Why didn't I nip it in the bud?

Well I’ve had 2 sessions at Curves!

I wasn’t convinced on the 1st session. I wondered how 30 seconds of a workout and 30 seconds of cooling down (and repeat for 30 minutes) would really do anything. I found it easy to work as hard as I could during the 30 seconds on the machine and believe me when you are pushing yourself 30 seconds does feel much more like 5 minutes! I Jogged on the cool down spot for the other 30 second intervals. Right now I have just realised that I have jogged for 15 minutes in total! I am really looking forward to getting my smart chip so I can start really pushing myself.

I am still trying to come to terms with how I managed to be this size (well 9.3kgs bigger than I am now). I don’t see myself as a fat slob. I guess I can’t understand what I am missing in terms of personality traits to make me not care. What do women who maintain their weights have that I don’t have? Why is it that some women stay on top of their weight and can easily stay within a normal range. Sure I can blame my PCOS, but isn’t that a cop out? Shouldn’t most of the blame be laid on me and my personality.

I just think back when I started to gain weight. Why didn’t I nip it in the bud and love my body? I wonder if this has happened because I seem to have had a poor body image from the beginning (I always thought I looked fat in photos even when I was a size 10). Had I given up on my weight before I even gained weight?


I wonder was I just simply too happy to care? Nope, I don’t think that was it. Sure, Man and I were young and madly in love, but my life was lonely. I moved to Melbourne 3 months after my 18th birthday. I said goodbye to all of my high school friends and left. Suddenly I find myself alone and interstate. Man was my 1 and only friend. I had gone from being fairly popular to suddenly feeling alone. I would spend my days waiting for Man to come home from work or home from footy. We would go out to dinner every week or so and go out drinking with HIS mates every few weeks – but it was a far cry from the girly weekends I had back at home. Sad thing is I didn’t desire friends. I was just happy to follow Man around.

A good friend of mine from high school moved to Melbourne about 6 months later. She was in the party stage of her life. She was ‘footloose and fancy free’ and spend her weekends at bars and clubs. I went out with her a couple of times but it always ended in arguments. I wanted to go home too Many and she wanted to stay out all night talking to men.

I think also a part of me believed that women get fat. Simple as that. I had seen all of the women in my family with weight issues. Something that sticks in my mind is the day I left home. Mum said to me “I guess this means you are going to settle down and get frumpy”. I laughed at her at the time – but the scary thing is that is exactly what happened. Actually as I think now I know that when I am out without my children I sometimes feel like people are judging my weight – I have literally thought to myself “I wish I had a t-shirt that says I have 4 kids’. Part of me thinks that because I have had kids that it is okay to be fat. I never think people are judging me when I am with my kids.

Man and I separated in 1999. We agreed that we were too young and he admitted that he wanted to date other women. I was gutted at the time – but looking back I am actually thankful that he was brave enough to ‘set his bird free’. It opened up so many opportunities for me. I was living with a flat mate who became a very good friend. Her and I are still friends. I also started to meet people and make friends. I started going out to bars and clubs and strangely enough I started losing weight. Man and I were still close and saw each other a fair bit... then one day I realised I didn’t have a hangover... I had morning sickness...

I became a mum. Finally I had an excuse to be fat. Having a child opened up some friendship opportunities for me and I met 3 of my closest friends at my young mums group. At this point in my life I was fairly happy but still gaining weight slowly – without realising.

The last time I had a good crack at changing things was when I was working and going to the gym in the morning. That was back in 2004. Although I didn’t have a hobby or anything I did have my friends from mums group and I love working.


Throughout all of this I did start diets as I have mentioned in earlier posts. Looking back it seems I knew I needed to do something but I just didn’t have the staying power to follow it through. I think realistically I just wasn’t in the right head space. As I am writing all of this I am wondering if I am making excuses for myself? Am I? I honestly don’t know? I just have this strong desire to analyse the past and wonder what went wrong. Why didn’t I do anything?

Maybe I need to put this in a positive manner and question why am I finally doing something? I really think it has to do with my feeling of happiness and being complete. Of course I was happy when I was younger but so many important aspects of life were missing. I feel like I am older and settled, I am studying and I have a hobby. I am no longer defined as just a mum. I have some new friends from playgroup and some older friends from my young mums group. Is it now that my life is complete that I am now work on the 1 part that maybe isn’t complete? It seems that I need to be intellectually stimulated in order to want to get fit? I really think that buying my camera and starting Open Uni has set this ball into motion....

Gee life is such a journey!

The Forgetful Bulimic

Well I had weigh in yesterday and I am happy to report that I have lost another 2.5 kgs! That gives me a total loss of 9.3kgs. I am amazed. I really thought that I would slow down.

As I promised I have joined Curves gym. I am super excited! Tomorrow will be my 1st work out and I have scheduled it for 6:30am. I hate the mornings. I have never been a morning person, so I am going to have to a mental struggle tomorrow morning when my alarm goes off!

My eating has been pretty good. I have had a few moments of throwing food into my mouth without really thinking. Tonight I caught myself eating some left over chicken Kiev from #3’s plate and then when I served Man and all 4 boys their dessert – I found a spoonful in my mouth.

I had a very emotional day on Tuesday. My 2 babies were sick and I was lacking in sleep. They both spent the day on my lap. I was crying at the drop of a hat and giving Man a hard time. Yet again I am wondering if my period is about to show up any day. I almost gave up! Imagine me, giving up on the day before weigh – in!  I was refusing to cook dinner and told man to bring home Macca’s for dinner. He did – but only for him and the boys.  I was slightly annoyed but also happy at the same time. I did sneak a bite of a cheese burger... I wish I didn’t.

I ended up at Coles 1 hour later – still feeling very emotional and looking to cure myself with food. I browsed the Isles for what seemed like a lifetime - looking for something to medicate myself with.  I ended up with some cooked prawns, a chicken curry, an Atkins bar and a Nestle Diet chocolate mousse.   I did go over my calorie budget for the day but not by too much (see my diet diary for proof!).

It seems that I am still struggling with emotional eating and automatic eating. I can ignore Fat Girl when she talks to me – yet I think she is trying to outsmart me. I am sure I can blame her for the emotional and automatic eating. I just need to learn notice her non-verbal ques.  The automatic eating really does happen so fast, the food is in my mouth before I think about it. Maybe I need to promise myself that I will spit out the food if I ever catch myself doing that again.  Yes Fat Girl that is what I will do!  I WILL spit it out... hmmm is this how eating disorders start?  I have always joked that I am a forgetful bulimic, im good at binging but I always forget the purge.

My stress levels are pretty high at the moment. Both babies have been sick for 3 nights now and my house is a disaster zone. I haven’t had a walk since Monday as it’s been raining or the kids are too sick to leave the house. I wonder what the correlation between my lack of walks and being stuck indoors is to how stressed and overwhelmed I am feeling right now. I find that when I am overwhelmed I seem to give up. Boy#3 and Boy#4 have literally been fighting over my lap for the last 3 days and I have been unable to do any house work! This is a point when things can snowball out of control for me. The house feels so messy that I don’t know where to start so I just give in.

I’ve had a big chat with Man tonight. I have explained to him that I really need his help to catch up on the house work over the weekend so come Monday morning I can get up and go to the gym at 6:30am and come home to an organised and happy house.... only I just realised Monday is a public holiday!

I did manage to leave the house today when I went to pay my joining fee at Curves. I also got a little goodies bag for joining. I love these little sample bags! Afterwards I decided I needed some retail therapy and bought myself a polar fleece jumper to wear on the way to the gym and a pair of ¾ pants to wear at the gym .

Well... I think the only way I am going to manage to make it to Curves in the morning is if I get off this computer, lay out my 'training outfit' and go to bed!
 
Oh, I thought I should add that I am now in twitter!  I have a feeling tweeting my feelings may be helpful!  Look for fatgirlgetslim
 

Food Tension

I’ve realised that it’s just not Fat Girl that suggests that I eat.

Today I experienced some sort of ‘food tension’. It was like an irritating annoying feeling, and the best way I can describe it is like sexual tension! It makes me think that maybe Fat Girl suggests I eat for different reasons than the food tension I felt today. All day today I just thought about food and it did make me feel irritated – like I just wanted to scoff something down to take the tension away.

I am wondering what is causing this feeling? It’s not emotional or boredom or stress related like Fat Girls suggestions seem to be related to... it feels like it’s a chemical issue. It has me wondering if it is soon to be my time of the month maybe? Maybe my body has realised it is in ‘starvation’ mode and it is crying out to be fed? It also feels different to the feelings I get from eating carbs... Fat Girl always wants more carbs the day after.

Because I don’t understand this tension I really don’t know how to prevent it. I fought it with all my might today. I do wonder if it is like a withdrawal mechanism and if I can muster the strength to push through I can beat it. Right now I feel like if this tension doesn’t go away in a day or so, I just might crumble.

I had a great day today. I got up early and went for a big walk will all of my boys this morning. On the way home we stopped at the park for a play. When we did eventually get home I cooked them some pancakes and managed to avoid eating any! I felt a sense of pride about cooking for others. I have realised it is a different feeling to cooking something I am going to eat as well. I can say that it was just as satisfying being in the kitchen cooking pancakes for my boys as it would be to eat them.

Personal Best

It been a quiet couple of days.
Yesterday I managed to break my personal best step count and do over 13,000 steps. I am pretty happy with myself!

And as a contrast, today's step count is only at 3183! I always struggle to get my step count high on Thursdays as its playgroup day and I don't walk around that much at playgroup. When we get home the boys will sleep and I spend the time relaxing.

My weigh in was also yesterday. I have lost 1.2kgs this week – which is amazing considering I consumed 4000 calories on Saturday night! I am still surprised at how much the Tony Ferguson plan is working for me. I still don't feel that hungry feeling. I do of course feel the urge to eat.

Today I just had it in my mind that I wanted to treat myself, and my treat myself I mean treat myself to a nice meal. I was craving carbs and sugar and came very close to listening to Fat Girl when she said “stuff it today – just have some bread”

I did listen to Fat Girl at one point and ate a small Teddy Shaped cake. I wonder if it was eating this cake that started to snowball of urges.

I walked to Coles and walked around the aisles for a while trying to work out what to eat for dinner tonight. Man was out working and not coming home until after footy training and I only had #2, 3 and 4 with me as #1 is on school camp. I bought the boys some chicken nuggets and chips (a treat for them) and I found some organic gourmet food in the refrigerated section near the Latina Pasta. I bought myself a Thai Chicken curry. I did take my time to study the labels and make a conscious decision to choose the best item in terms of carbs, fat and calories. I then bought myself a Coke Zero and an Atkins low carb chocolate bar as well as a HPLC caramel bar.

I got the 3 boys to bed early and sat down to my treat dinner. I had my Thai curry and coke and watched TV. It was nice almost restaurant quality food. I feel as though I had take away. I followed this with the chocolate bar. I then spent some time listing things on ebay and eventually ate the HPLC bar. I feel like I have eaten really bad things tonight and feel satisfied, yet when I look at my stats in my food diary (see the link under my profile) I came in at my goal daily calorie allowance and within my fat and carb allowance.

Its now close the midnight and my urge to eat rubbish is gone. I do have that yucky feeling I seem to taste/feel from the diet coke and tomorrow I am going to have to be very careful that I don't continue to crave the foods.

For a while now I have been thinking about joining the Curves gym and doing it when I get down to about 135kgs. I went in there today and I think I want to join now! I am going to make a phone call tomorrow and organise for a free session.

Dr. Phil was interesting over the last 2 days. It was the 'great fat debate'. Thin people complaining about fat people using up tax payer money for health problems and taking up too much room in aeroplanes etc. The fat people were very pro-fat and one woman went as far as to suggest that the hatred she felt was similar to that of the KKK! I would like to say that I am on the skinny side of things. I do believe that if someone can't fit in a aeroplanes seat then they should buy 2 seats. All I kept thinking when I was watching the show was about how much in denial the fat women were. It seems that the Fat Girl inside this women has completely eradicated Skinny Girl!

Oh and I should mention I finally got the results of my final assignment back! I got 23/30. I was actually disappointed! In total I got 84/100 for the whole unit, which is a HD! So I am pretty proud!

Nap Sync

I had a great start to my day today. I woke up feeling more motivated than ever before and just wanted to go for a morning walk. In the past a morning walk was hard to organise because #4 was still having 2 naps a day, but I have finally resigned to the fact that he is now a 1 nap a day baby. This does make my life slightly easier because now both #3 and #4 are sleeping at the same time. It has also opened up an opportunity for morning walks after I have done my chores for the morning.

So I raced around and got the big kids to school , cleaned the breakfast mess, put a batch of yoghurt on and put a load of washing on. I was all done by about 9:30 and was able to head out for a walk. I decided to push myself and walk faster than usual. The whole time I was imagining just how high my step count on the pedometer would be and how many minutes of aerobic activity it would pick up. I was about 2/3rds of the way through my walk when I couldn’t take the suspense any more and I had to have a look at my step count.

You can imagine my disappointment when I realised it had fallen upside down so it had only recorded 723 steps... it was set at about 600 when I left. I stupid thing didn’t count my steps because it was upside down!!!! I fixed it and walked home feeling a bit annoyed that it didn’t count my steps, but also felt great I had such a long walk. The pedometer recorded 17 minutes and 1906 steps of aerobic walking when it really should have recorded close to 50 minutes.

I use my phone like an iPod. I have a HTC HD2 and I love it! I walked to P!nk and the Black Eyed Peas today and I have decided that tomorrow after my weigh in I will allow myself to buy and download some more music to listen to on my walks.

I had an okay day with food. My craving are almost non-existent and Fat Girl seems to have kept her mouth closed lately. She did manage to sneak a sausage into my mouth today but it seems that I have to calories to afford it.

My weigh in is tomorrow. I am a bit nervous but also excited as usual. I have weighed myself at least 1000 times again today and saw numbers ranging from 142.7 to 144.3, so at this point it is hard to know how much (if any) I have lost this week.

Since the boys have ‘nap sync’ at the moment I was able to watch both Dr. Phil and Oprah today. Both were very interesting and I felt somewhat relevant to me. Dr. Phil was talking about the connection between brain and memory etc and diet along with the whole concept of use it or lose it. The point was made that you need to use your brain to feel happy and motivated. I have been feeling a lot more alive lately and I am wondering where did I get the courage to start this journey. I suspect it has something to do with buying my Camera last year and learning about photography then actually going back to study this year. I think I am at the mental place I am now due to studies.... ha! Now I don’t mean mental as in crazy!

Dr. Phil also featured a woman who gets depressed in winter. Some suggestions were make that she needs to remove clutter, put some happy moment photographs around the house and maybe start her day sitting in the kitchen window. I wonder if maybe I should start my day in our lounge room window with its sheer curtain. He also discussed that exercise makes people feel happy. It seems to be that I may have started a self propelling happy cycle. Study makes me happy and motivated to do things like exercise and exercise clears the mind and makes me happy and more alert to study. WIN WIN WIN.

Oprah was re-visiting past quests today. One quest had been on the show 8 years ago after losing more than half her body weight. She maintained this for several years and then one day she gave up and started gaining weight again. She said that she became addicted to the attention she received while losing weight. This was rather a fascinating thing to consider, after all I have recently gone ‘public’ with my journey and I am getting a lot more attention lately. I am enjoying it but now I realise that using my friends, family and even strangers as motivators may get me to my goal but it isn’t going to keep me there. This is all so new to me still and I guess the question I need to ask myself is how am I going to do this for the rest of my life? It is such a confronting question and it’s a thought that is almost strong enough to make me want to run away and hide.

The thing is I can’t continue to hide from these hard questions any more. I can’t hide from my problems. I have to confront them.