The Week That Was - Week 3

And another week has flown by!

Day 1{Saturday} - This is one of my go to outfits.  The ponte pants are so comfy.  Technically they're leggings but because they are thick material I feel comfortable wearing them as pants.  I love the Tunic but I am a bit dissapointed in the quality of the fabric as it has faded and pilled a fair bit, which means I tend to only wear this top around home.  You'll note the lack of shoes on my feet, I was home all day writing essays!

Day 2 {Sunday} - We had a family day out at our local communities 'fiesta' and I wore this.  I was feeling prett bloated and I decided at the end of the day that I don't like how this top sits on me.  I think when I wear skirts, I really need to wear shorter tops.

Day 3 {Monday} - My new contact lenses arrived - so it's contact season.  I tend to wear contact lenses in summer so I can wear cheap sunglasses and go swimming.  This wrap top is a few years old.  It makes me feel good when I wear it, but now looking at this photo I think it looks dated and out of style.  In fact, I think this whole outfit looks a bit dated and makes me look closer to 40 than I actually am!

Day 4 {Tuesday}  - I last wore this on day 7 (week 1) but this time I added a really light weight cardigan which I think makes my top half look better. Im also without leggings... can't remember the last time I wore a skirt !

Day 5 {Wednesday}  - I wore this top and scarfe in week 1 with a skirt and I decided that I didn't like the combination.  Toda I wore it with blue skinny pants and a denim vest.  I think my legs look longer and the vest is doing a good job at hiding my huge boobies.

Day 6 {Thursday} - So after realising that I can't wear long tops with skirts I decided to try a shorter top, in fact I even tucked the top in (something I have NEVER done before).

Day 7: {Friday} At home all day and only put shoes on for the photo!

Aussie Curves - Knits

This week the Aussie Curves Photo Challenge theme is Knits!

I have only recently discovered knits and it has opened a whole world of fashion possibilities for me!  In the past I wouldn't even consider a sleeveless top but now I will wear on, provided I have a fantastic cardigan to cover up with.  I actually had trouble decided which of my knits to wear for the photo challenge and in the end I decided to wear an 'evening' outfit.  It's something that I would wear on a girls night out.

 

A Conflict of Interest

This blog is essentially a weight loss blog, even though I am not actually losing weight at the moment.  Technically I am 'maintaining' but with all of the Essays and study that I have been doing I suspect that I have actually gained weight this week.

I must admit that while I have been embracing fashion for the last few weeks that I have, on several occasions wondered if I do need to lose weight.  I guess Fat Girl still has a voice after all.  She is trying to tell me that I will be happy just enjoying fashion.

I had a reminder today that I do need to lose weight.  There was a street 'fiesta' in my suburb today and we walked there and spent 4 hours just wondering around enjoying the day before walking home.

This was my view for most of the day...

The truth is I just couldn't keep up the pace.

I need to actively start losing weight again soon.

The Week That Was - Week 2

Day 1 - I'm not sure that I like this combination, I think it's an older look. 
Next time I think I will try a denim jacket with it.



Day 2 - Clearly I didn't leave the house!  No Shoes!  I love those black pants.  They are black yoga pants. 
 I remember watching Oprah a few years ago and she was talking about how fantastic yoga pants are because they are comfortable like tracksuit pants but not so daggy looking. 
I only bought these a few months ago and wish I got them years ago! 
The red top is an old favourite of mine but it's too piled to wear out in public.

Day 3 - Another day at home but had to duck into the shops to get milk so chucked on a scarf and jacket. 
The pants aren't yoga pants, I think they a like gypsy pants? 
Just as comfy but not as flattering. 
 The grey t-shirt is an at home basic.

Day 4 - I really like this look.  Very comfy to wear.

Day 5 - Another day at home with the exception of a Coles run. 
 I love this outfit and it was used for my Aussie Curves challenge "blue".

Day 6 - I love this outfit!  The jeans are from City Chic's TDF range.

Day 7 - Another boring day at home in my trusty grey top and yoga pants. 
I threw on the red cardigan for a trip to Childcare.

Aussie Curves - Feelin' Blue

This week the Aussie Curves theme is Blue!  I love the colour blue and being fair skinned with red hair, I have grown up being told that blue is my colour and that I can't wear pink.

Overall I've had a very blue week... I am right, smack, bang in the middle of essay writing and exam preparation, and I must admit that my motivation (to study) is rapidly dwindling!

Every year a friend of mine hosts a Halloween party, and in the past I either don't go, don't get dressed up or if I do get dressed up I just wear black.  This year I decided to plan ahead early and today my outfit arrived.  My 'costume' is blue and I was very tempted to wear it today for the challenge, but after quickly checking the list I can see that I am going to be able to use the costume as part of the challenge later in the year.  I am not saying what my costume is, but my Instagram feed has a bit of a hint...

This week my challenge outfit is:

Dress - Autograph
Scarf - Autograph
Belt - Autograph
Leggings - Target
Shoes - Kmart
Bangles - City Chic
Earring's - Kmart
Glasses - Kate Spade

Photography by - My beautiful 12 year old son!

What's Going on in my world...

One thing that's remained constant in my life is my body image.  I am sure I have written about this in the past...

I've always hated the way I look in photographs and I have never really taken care of myself (e.g., skin care, worrying about my hairstyle, shaving my legs, etc).

11 days ago I started my "fashion diet".  I started to get dressed up every day and take a photo of myself.  I am following a skin care routine and even started shaving my legs!

I the last week or so I have found that getting dressed up has changed the way I think.  Fat Girl has always told me that there is no point in losing weight because I was too fat anyway (She even told me this when I was 70kgs).  I have noticed that when I make an effort to get dressed up Fat Girl doesn't have much to say, and Skinny Girl's voice is much louder.  This week Skinny Girl said "Girl, you're looking mighty good!", "Hun, don't eat that otherwise your fantastic clothes won't fit you" and my favourite "Girl, if  you just lost a few more kg, you're going to have to go shopping for new clothes!".  

Hmmm... now that sounds like a great idea!

Here are the photos from my 1st week of my "Fashion Diet"



Day 1 - Okay for hanging around at home.

Day 2 - I love this outfit.

Day 3 - I think this makes me look older

Day 4 - I love this outfit!

Day 5 - Don't think I'll wear this combo again

Day 6 - Hubby isn't keen on this look but I seriously love it.

Day 7 - Just hanging around at home.

Aussie Curves - Stripes Week

For a long time I've been hiding from myself. I prefer to be the person taking photos, rather than being in photos.

I've been overweight for several years now and it has prevented me from enjoying fashion. I wouldn't invest much money into my wardrobe because I always told myself that when I lose weight I would splurge. About 2 months ago I gave my self permission to enjoy fashion and to allow myself to make investment purchases now. I think a lot of us Mum all ac the same regardless of our size, we tend to buy things for us only when they are on sale. I gave myself permission to buy anything I liked - even if it wasn't on sale! I also started paying attention to accessories. I've never been a fan of costume jewelry... well until now!

What I have discovered over the last 2 months is that I can transform a basic stay at home out fit into something classy looking in minutes. I love to wear wide leg, black yoga pants, they are comfy and more flattering than tracksuit pants. I wear them around home with a plain t-shirt and if I suddenly decide I need to go down the street I put on a nice fitted jacket/blazer a scarf and some costume jewelry, I swap my runners for cute ballet flats and suddenly my daggy housewife outfit looks nice!
I recently discovered a group of bloggers here in Australia that do a fashion blog each week to a set theme. Aussie Curves (founded by Danimezza.com) is a place to share outfits worn by everyday Australian and New Zealand women sized 14+.

This week's theme is Stripes!

This week I am wearing:

Denim Jacket - Autograph Fashion (from about 2009)

Chevron print Maxi Dress - Autograph Fashion (Current Range) http://www.autographfashion.com.au/

Boots - Autograph Fashion (Winter 2012)

Belt - Autograph Fashion (Current range)

Necklace - Ice

 

 

I've just had a MEGA lightbulb moment

It seems that I have been so engrossed into my studies for Midwifery that I have totally ignored my own health needs.  It's like I've had the solution in my mind all along, but I just forgot!

I have been struggling with very heavy periods for a long time now.  I had a 3 month episode of them last year with no answers.  My bleeding was so heavy that I missed social functions and was house bound.  I've been experiencing heavy bleeding again for the last 8 weeks or so.  It's been a struggle at uni because I am too tired to study at night and I've had to learn how to deal with it out in public.  Basically, I've been wearing a super tampon and using maternity pads as back up.  I'm only getting about 1-2 hours of protection from the tampon so the pad is there so save me until the end of lectures.

A few weeks ago I went to my Dr.  Im severly anemic and basically feel like crap.  He prescribed Clyklokapron (Tranexamic Acid) and my bleeding did slow down, so much so that I didn't get around to having the ultrasound or making the OB/GYN appointment straight away.  This last week the bleeding has returned so with some nagging from my fellow Student Midwives at uni I had my Ultrasound on Tuesday.  The Ultrasound had me bleeding like a tap so I found my self in the Emergency department yesterday with an IV waiting for blood test results to see if I need a blood transfusion.  My results came back and I am on the cusp of having below normal levels of hemoglobin.   While I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed Today Tonight was on.  They were talking about some wonder drug that was preventing diabetes and helping people lose weight.  I thought to myself that it was probably Metformin and how this was not news to me, since I was on Metformin in 2007 while trying to conceive child 3.  I was irritated because the other people in the waiting room were talking too loudly so I couldn't actually hear the Today Tonight report clearly and made a mental note to look into it 'one day'.

I was in a tute at uni today and we were looking at a health resource website.  In a way the website reminded me of www.fertilityfriend.com which was my main on-line hang out while trying to conceive.  My bleeding has been really crazy again today so I came home from Uni and tried to make an appointment with the OB/GYN.  I couldn't get in for another 4 weeks so I headed back to my GP in frustration.  

The GP phoned the OB/GYN's office and managed to get me in for Friday weeks but in the mean time he also wrote a letter to another hospitals Emergency Department and suggested that I go there and see if they can treat me (saying I will probably need a D&C).

It was at that moment that a light turned on in my mind!  I suddenly remembered information that I had used in the past!  My Ultrasound results were fairly normal except for a cervical cyst, which isn't the cause of my bleeding so essentially I have a hormone in-balance.  NOTING NEW HERE!  I've always had a hormone in-balance, only in the past I didn't bleed at all.  I suddenly remembered that back in 2007 when we were trying to conceive I was taking Metformin to regulate my cycle!  BINGO!  I told the GP and then began a very strange conversation with him.  In fact for the 1st time in my life I actually stood up to a Dr. and made it very clear what I wanted.  He objected because a) I don't have diabetes (metformin is traditionally a diabetes drug) and b) I don't have cysts on my ovaries!

He obviously knew that there was some connection to Metformin and reproductive health but was one of those Drs that didn't know the difference between polycystic ovarian syndrome and polycystic ovaries.  I proceeded to briefly educated him and in the end he gave me the script for Metformin.

I had a chat to our Chemist guru... he is smarter than our Dr and often Man and I go to him for advice before we make a Drs appointment.  Anyway Chemist Guru was able to look up my history and see that I was on 850mg twice a day.  The GP only prescribed 850mg one times a day (and that was after I told him that 500mgs was not enough!).  Chemist Guru was probably being illegal when he suggested I should take the dose I was on in 2007 and it was also at that moment that the assistant Chemist Guru asked me if if saw Today Tonight last night...Ah HA!

Suddenly I recalled on more thing from my trying to conceive days.  Vitex Agnus-Castus - a herbal supplement that is used to regulate cycles and assist with heavy periods!  I many not be trying to conceive any more but at the end of the day I still need my cycles to be more organised!

Isn't it strange how the mind works in such subtlety.  My memory of Metformin was jogged last night, but it's full impact didn't hit me until about 1 hour ago.  It is yet another reminder of why I want to be a Midwife and why I know I am going to be a great one!  I actually have a better understanding of the reproductive system than my GP and of course I use natural remedies to supplement medicine.

Fingers crossed my 'plan' works!  I guess I have until the 9th of September to decide if I still need to see the OB/GYN or not!

12 Months later...

I can't believe that it's been almost 12 months to the date since I last logged on.  I've been basically running away from myself for 12 months and just living as fat girl!  When I sit here and have a think about it, it really is a scary thing that 12 months can go past so quickly.  Looking back, a lot has happened.  My photography is plodding along but more interestingly, I was accepted into the Bachelor of Midwifery degree that I was too terrified to apply for!  My plan was to continue to study via open.edu and complete their on-line Bachelor of Nursing and then cross over into Midwifery.  This was my plan to avoid actually seeing anybody.  With 2 days to go before the cut-off date for applications I had a sudden change of mind and found myself applying for Midwifery, essentially facing my demons!

I found myself counting my blessings, grateful that Victoria University, or any other university in Melbourne didn't do interviews like they seem to do in the UK. I was sure that a face-to-face interview would mean I would have less of a chance to get in (because of my size). In November I got an early round offer for my first preference.  I remember logging onto the VTAC website and reading my offer letter about 5 times and crying.  I tried to call Man but it went to voice-mail so I tried to call a friend and she didn't answer.  It was about an hour before I finally got hold of Man to tell him and I spent that hour just staring at the computer in utter disbelief, silence and occasional crying.   I can recall my feelings of dread as the day to enroll came closer and closer. I honestly believed that I would be refused enrollment. I felt like I was unworthy of being admitted into the degree because of my weight. My insecurities lead me to go home that night and chance my VTAC preference, so that ACU was now my first preference. When the regular round of offers came out I also received an ACU offer. I now had to choose between VU and ACU. I knew that on paper this must mean I was a strong applicant, but it gave me no comfort.

The 1st semester started in late February.  Up until this point I had only gained back about 3kgs of the total I had lost.  This first semester was been hard, and I found myself totally addicted to full sugar Coke.  Yes, that's right, somehow I started drinking Coke again.  Fat girl thought it was needed to help me have energy for lectures.  As a result I am now the same weight I was back in April 2010, I have nothing to show for those 3 months of hard work, nothing except for a regular direct debit from the gym of $59 per month that I only canceled in May.

So far I seem to be accepted by my peers and lecturers.  Even through my follow-though clinics to date I have seen that Midwives do come in all shapes and sizes, however this has been little comfort. I have come to the realisation that I have prejudices, and that I am prejudice against myself.  

I have now finished my two week clinical placement and attended many follow-though clinic appointments. I have found that I can physically perform the job and that some of the women actually warm to me because of my weight (because they are also of a large BMI). I felt like I had to work extra hard and walk extra fast to prove myself and as I have already realised, I probably wasn't really proving myself to anyone, but only myself. I had a couple of moments when I was very self conscious of my weight, one was during the first c-section I went to. I felt like I was just taking up too much room and that the scrubs were a bit too tight. Another moment was during hand-over. A pre-natal woman who's BMI was over 60 was given day leave. Some jokes were made about her rushing straight to McDonald's during her day leave. Through all of this I have realised that I am going to be a capable midwife, and that I do deserve this opportunity however, despite proving that I can work 40 hours a week and keep up with the pace of a busy maternity or birthing ward hasn't helped me with my comfort with myself. I now see these feelings are not there to prevent me from continuing my studies but are rather there to help me move forward and slowly lose weight, not for my future employer, not for my fellow students, but entirely for me.

I see now that I had no reason to be afraid of applying to the course, but my weight still is an issue, if not for others around me, but for me. It is on my mind probably 80% of the time.

Oh, Man and I also got married in December! I really should post some pics of the wedding at some point.

Anyway, I am probably at the stage I was in about March 2010 now. I've been off coke and all sugar soft-drinks for about 3 weeks now. I had an appointment with my GP last week to have some blood work done (to make sure I don't have diabetes or something). I need to get back on track. Although I performed well on my placement, I went to 3 c-sections and you can imagine how ashamed I was that the normal scrubs didn't fit me. I had to wear 2 hospital gowns into theatre and scrub pants. My next clinical placement is in November and I want to be able to wear normal scrubs!

Confessional...

It’s time for a confession!

I fell off the wagon again... big time.

Things slowly snowballed out of control and before I knew it I wasn’t even thinking about my diet. A combination of things pushed me off... My period arrived and I soon got a cold. I was unwell with the cold for about a week. We had a lunch at my In Law’s house and #1 and #2 spent 4 nights there as it was the school holidays. This gave Man and I a lot of time to spend together as I was putting the 2 babies to bed earlier than usual and feeding them their own dinner... meaning Man and I were ordering in Take Away and cuddling on the couch watching movies. It’s pretty amazing at the number of times that food is the focus in our lives. I find it hard to imagine a romantic night in without such yummy food! Sure I could have made healthy dinners, but It was nice to have a break.

I soon found myself not thinking about my diet. I had been giving in to Fat Girl’s every whim and soon she had me totally distracted. I spent about 1 week totally focussed on 2 new prams that I want to buy. I became obsessed with the prams, researching them on the internet, phoning stores for delivery and pricing and even having a good play with them at Baby Bunting. In fact I actually bought a pram! Not one of the two that I was obsessing about but a different one! After several days I realised that Fat Girl had me totally distracted by prams! She had made me forget about my diet totally!

Obession: Baby Jogger City Select

Obsession: Bugaboo Cameleon in denim

Purchase: Emmaljunga Twin Cerox

I avoided weighing in. I missed 2 weigh in days and finally today I was weighed. I am 140.0kgs, so in total I have gained 700 grams. It’s not too bad considering that this week I ate so much junk, McDonalds, Hungary Jacks, KFC and Chinese take out! Should I mention the Tim Tams? Oh, and should I mention the 1.5 ltr of Coke that I drank on Monday night to keep me awake while studying? Real Coke, not Coke Zero!

All of this food hasn’t made me feel good or happy. In fact I feel ill! My joints hurt, I have had issues with joint pain over the years and didn’t realise it had gone away until it came back this week. In the mornings my body is so stiff and sore I feel like I have gained all of my 10kgs back! My ankles, knees, hips and shoulders are sore by the end of the day. I have big crack on each of my heels because my feet are so dry and I have THRUSH for the first time in years! I’ve had headaches, and sleeping issues all week and last night I noticed my ankles were swollen from oedema. All of these horrible little medical issues, that I’ve lived with for years were all gone, only I didn’t notice they were gone until they all came back this week. I feel nauseous and out of energy. Quite frankly I feel disgusting!


This last 2 weeks have been a real eye opener. I realised just how easily I get distracted. It took me 4 or 5 days of pram obsessing to realise that the obsessing was created by Fat Girl in an effort to distract me. I have realised just how horrible bad food makes me feel.

It really is true that you are what you eat!

The dreaded week 6!

When I first started this journey I realised that week 6 is my danger period and in the past its always been the week when I give up. It just occurred to me that I should look at my calendar and guess what – Last Wednesday was the beginning of my 6th week! It seems that as I predicted, I did in fact fall off the wagon during week 6. I knew it would happen and I was prepared for it to happen, but when it started to happen I didn’t realise!

Today I had bread again and even had a small pop corn while at the movies with the boys. Tomorrrow is my 7th weigh in all of the sudden I feel like I can keep going. Its like I have an explanation for my bad week (other than tiredness and my period!). Suddenly I feel I can fight through this and that tomorrow I am going to get back into the swing of things. I did manage to go to the gym this morning and burn 477 calories, but it was a struggle. I am wondering if my iron levels are dropping again as I have been forgetting to take my iron supps.

So that’s it then! Tomorrow I will start a fresh! I am not even going to bother filling in my CK food diary (so don’t bother looking). I have never re-started a diet before so tomorrow I will be doing something different. I’m not going to feel depressed about my ‘failed week’, tonight I feel proud that I pushed through week 6 and I am looking forward to the morning.

They say that if you keep making the same decisions in life and behaving the same that nothing will change. Tomorrow I will finally make a different choice and this is almost like a turning point. The difference between me never losing weight compared to me staying on this journey in the long term and finally reaching a healthier weight.


I guess the question is – will the ugly week 6 happen again?

Tomorrow = Week 1, Phase 1, Day 1

A Slippery Slope

Things aren’t going so well for me at the moment. In fact I have been avoiding this blog entry for a day or so. Writing comes so much easier for me when I am about to report positive news...


I’ve been falling down a slippery slope for several days. It has been happening slowly, but the further I fall, the more momentum I am gain and the more bad choices I am make. The end result was me today drinking ‘soft-drink’ (Deep Springs Lemon Mineral Water) straight from the bottle. A few gulps here and there as I walked past the fridge. I guess it’s at this point that I should confess to eating about 1 inch of raw cookie dough...

I think things started to go bad for me on Thursday. I had to put in too many hours to get Man’s business accounts up to date. He suddenly decided that he wanted to purchase a new company car before the end of the financial year (in 3 days time). I was up until after 4:00 am on Wednesday night doing accounts. I didn’t go to Curves on Thursday and only just made it to Playgroup with the boys.

My Uni studies have been suffering since I started going to the gym. I have lost my ability to study late into the night. I had a test on Friday (it was only worth 15% of the total grade). I was totally wiped out on Thursday night and didn’t study. I did manage to go to the Gym on Friday morning and I strategically took the little boys out to visit a friend in the morning so that they would have a good nap when I got home. That way I could do some last minute cramming before my test. The test was on line and I had until 5:00 PM to complete it.


The big boys were coming home at 2:00 PM and I managed to get a couple of hours study done. I felt good about taking the test and even completed the practice test and got 87% for it. Man called to tell me that he was stuck at a job and wouldn’t be home in time to take the boys out so I could do the test without distractions. I decided I was ready for the real test and waited for the big boys to come home so I could get them to play with the little boys. I got them to all watch TV in the big boys room, logged on and began the 30 minute test. Unfortunately about 5 minutes in, the little boys both started crying and complaining. I rushed through the rest of the test in only 10 minutes.... and the end result was only 46/100. I spent a couple of minutes crying at my computer desk. It wasn’t real crying, more of a shocked sadness, with tears but no sound. Meanwhile, the little boys continued to cry in the back bedroom...

I gave up. It was all too hard. I called man and told him to please bring home dinner. He bought home Macca’s for the boys and wraps from Nandos for us, the only problem was that he did buy himself some chips, and I am pretty sure I ate more chips then he did. I also failed at lunch on Friday. I came home from my friend’s house and put the babies to bed so I could study... only to realise I didn’t have anything for lunch. I ended up with a sandwich and a packet of popcorn.


Here I was on Friday, emotionally and mentally drained. I was stressed and sad... yet I was wearing size 22 jeans for the 1st time in about 4 years! How is it possible I could wear those jeans all day (and be happy about it) yet fall into such a state? I wonder if maybe I let my guard down a bit and this gave Fat Girl and opportunity to speak to me? Is it possible that I became “Diet Cocky”?


I made it to the Gym on Saturday morning and I had a wonderful photoshoot of a 2 day old baby, but I was tired and feeling foggy. My period arrived without warning on Saturday. I’ve seen so many people use their period as an excuse for gaining weight that week or eating badly and I thought I was better than that. It seems that I’m not, because I am wondering if maybe my approaching period had something to do with my tiredness, emotions and even with my inability to resist urges to eat. I have also been really foggy, and unable to focus.

I have been struggling with extremely heavy periods for about 9 months now. They have left me totally housebound and helpless for up to 10 days at a time. I had many tests done earlier in the year and nothing came back as abnormal. I find it frustrating having no answer. This time around it hasn’t been as bad but it did prevent me from going to the gym this morning. I am really hoping that I can get to the gym tomorrow... I am sure the gym plays an important role in my emotions during the day.

Although I haven’t had a huge blow out, like I haven’t eaten a whole bar of chocolate or something, I am still disappointed. Man has been really proud of my weight loss and has been updating his friends and family. I have no idea why, but he got over excited for me and told everyone I had lost 12kgs instead of 11 kgs. He doesn’t see the impact of this as he thinks it’s no big deal. It is to me because I feel almost like he thinks my 11kgs isn’t good enough. We are seeing his parents on the weekend and I don’t want to go now. They think I lost 12kgs and now I am thinking that as a result of the last few days that I won’t lose weight this week, so I will be at 11kgs lost, or even worse, what if I gain again? What am I going to tell them?


I still haven’t finished Man’s finance reports, I just can’t seem to find the motivation or energy for it. He isn’t too happy with me about it, but he hasn’t said anything. I think he now knows that when there is a packet of pads or tampons next to the toilet, that some things are best left unsaid.

I thought I would share some of my favourite photos from the photo shoot I did on Saturday. There is a very sad story... Little baby Piper’s birth was brought forward early by 2 weeks (via c-section) because her grandad was critically ill. He got to meet his new granddaughter via Skype the day she was born (on Thursday) and sadly he passed away a few hours later (in the early hours of Friday morning). Sadly this makes this time even more bittersweet for Piper’s mum Kristy who was also celebrating her birthday on Friday.

I Can Jump!

I realised this week that I still don't have an accurate picture in my mind of what I look like. I thought the body image generated at Curves was fairly accurate – yet I knew there was some 'kindness' to the image, particularly around the face and neck.

Last night I decided it was time to get to know my body and spend some quality one-on-one time with myself... in front of a mirror... totally in the buff! I haven't looked at myself like this in years, in fact, now that I think about it, I haven't had a full length mirror in in my house in over 10 years. I avoid looking in the mirror and when I do, it is never with such a critical eye. I usually have a quick glance before I leave the house to make sure I look okay and in the process I some how block out my size.

I can't see that I have lost 11kgs. In fact the longer I look at myself I start to wonder if I have lost any weight at all. I found myself questioning if somehow the scales were wrong, that maybe I wasn't 150.3kgs? Maybe, I have always been 139.3 kgs and some how I got confused? Wow I am big. I am trying to imagine 11 more kgs on me and can't imagine that I was bigger than I am now, only a mere 6 weeks ago.

Although I can't see a difference, I can definitely feel the difference. Six weeks ago I was using the last row of hooks on my bra, this morning I had to use the 1st row (the smallest setting). I have noticed that I can hang my arms closer to my body. I can actually touch my chin to my chest and I am pretty sure that I can stand with my feet closer together. For the 1st time in a long time I can stand on one leg, with the other leg bent up at the knee and held behind my bottom with 1 hand.

Now that I know I can feel changes, I look harder in the mirror. I think I can see a change in my tummy, I am sure it isn't hanging down as much. I get dressed and as I am leaving the bathroom suddenly I have a thought. “Can I JUMP?” I ask myself, and before I know it I am jumping on the spot! I actually got both feet into the air. I recall watching The Biggest Loser earlier in the year (or possibly even last year) and one of the female contestants was too afraid to jump onto a small platform. She was crying and genuinely scared that she couldn't jump. I recall that at the time I felt her pain. I knew if that was me, I too would be crying and scared to jump. The thing is I have realised I can jump. My body still seems capable of doing things.

I made a brave decision tonight. I have decided it will be highly beneficial to me to take regular photos of myself. Tonight, with Man's help I have taken 3 photographs. I am sitting here looking at the 3 photographs and I think I am finally starting to not feel shocked at what I see. My face does look different to how it looks in my mind, especially my neck and chins. My shoulders are a lot wider than I thought they were and I can see that I stand with a tilt. I have mild scoliosis (a curve in the spine) that was picked up during standard screening in year eight. I seems very obvious to me and I am now wondering if I need to work on my posture.
 

This photograph shows me holding #4, who weighs exactly 11kgs (the total I have lost).  Its hard to imagine where all of that weight was sitting on me.

 

 

 

I think I know know exactly what I look like!

 

 

 

 

Comments Issues

 
I am having problems with the comments section and I hope to get this fixed ASAP.  I think it has something to do with the custom template I have!

I am studying tonight for a Critical Thinking test tomorrow - so no real posts from me today... keep an eye out tomorrow.

My Diet Food for Phase 1

Well yesterday was the beginning of Phase 1 - 1, 200 calories.

I thought It might be interesting just to photograph my meals today and see how tempting they look!

6:30 AM

I started my day and woke up to have my Tony Ferguson Shake and fibre.  I was at Curves Gym by about 7:30 AM.

8:30 - I finished my workout and was home to see the boys off to school.  I had a snack of 100gms of 98% fat free chicken breast.

11:30 AM - Time for Morning tea.  Again I have another protein snack.  This time I had a high protein, low carb shake from Aussie Bodies.

1:30 PM - Lunch Time!  Both boys were alseep so I got to sit down and enjoy my lunch.  I had a garden salad with low fat cheese and a can of sweet chilli tuna, followed by 6 strawberries..

3:30 - Both big boys are home from school wanting snacks.  They have my fresh, homemade bread with butter!  I have celery stalks with low fat cottage cheese!

6:00 - Dinner Time.  Tonight I made Chicken Parma for the family using low fat cheese.  I didn't have a snitzel though, I had 150 grams of grilled chicken breast with the topping and low fat cheese.  We had mixed steamed (microwaved veggies) and 'Notatos' - blended cauliflower and low fat cream cheese.