Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The dreaded week 6!

When I first started this journey I realised that week 6 is my danger period and in the past its always been the week when I give up. It just occurred to me that I should look at my calendar and guess what – Last Wednesday was the beginning of my 6th week! It seems that as I predicted, I did in fact fall off the wagon during week 6. I knew it would happen and I was prepared for it to happen, but when it started to happen I didn’t realise!

Today I had bread again and even had a small pop corn while at the movies with the boys. Tomorrrow is my 7th weigh in all of the sudden I feel like I can keep going. Its like I have an explanation for my bad week (other than tiredness and my period!). Suddenly I feel I can fight through this and that tomorrow I am going to get back into the swing of things. I did manage to go to the gym this morning and burn 477 calories, but it was a struggle. I am wondering if my iron levels are dropping again as I have been forgetting to take my iron supps.

So that’s it then! Tomorrow I will start a fresh! I am not even going to bother filling in my CK food diary (so don’t bother looking). I have never re-started a diet before so tomorrow I will be doing something different. I’m not going to feel depressed about my ‘failed week’, tonight I feel proud that I pushed through week 6 and I am looking forward to the morning.

They say that if you keep making the same decisions in life and behaving the same that nothing will change. Tomorrow I will finally make a different choice and this is almost like a turning point. The difference between me never losing weight compared to me staying on this journey in the long term and finally reaching a healthier weight.

I guess the question is – will the ugly week 6 happen again?

Tomorrow = Week 1, Phase 1, Day 1

A Slippery Slope

Things aren’t going so well for me at the moment. In fact I have been avoiding this blog entry for a day or so. Writing comes so much easier for me when I am about to report positive news...

I’ve been falling down a slippery slope for several days. It has been happening slowly, but the further I fall, the more momentum I am gain and the more bad choices I am make. The end result was me today drinking ‘soft-drink’ (Deep Springs Lemon Mineral Water) straight from the bottle. A few gulps here and there as I walked past the fridge. I guess it’s at this point that I should confess to eating about 1 inch of raw cookie dough...

I think things started to go bad for me on Thursday. I had to put in too many hours to get Man’s business accounts up to date. He suddenly decided that he wanted to purchase a new company car before the end of the financial year (in 3 days time). I was up until after 4:00 am on Wednesday night doing accounts. I didn’t go to Curves on Thursday and only just made it to Playgroup with the boys.

My Uni studies have been suffering since I started going to the gym. I have lost my ability to study late into the night. I had a test on Friday (it was only worth 15% of the total grade). I was totally wiped out on Thursday night and didn’t study. I did manage to go to the Gym on Friday morning and I strategically took the little boys out to visit a friend in the morning so that they would have a good nap when I got home. That way I could do some last minute cramming before my test. The test was on line and I had until 5:00 PM to complete it.

The big boys were coming home at 2:00 PM and I managed to get a couple of hours study done. I felt good about taking the test and even completed the practice test and got 87% for it. Man called to tell me that he was stuck at a job and wouldn’t be home in time to take the boys out so I could do the test without distractions. I decided I was ready for the real test and waited for the big boys to come home so I could get them to play with the little boys. I got them to all watch TV in the big boys room, logged on and began the 30 minute test. Unfortunately about 5 minutes in, the little boys both started crying and complaining. I rushed through the rest of the test in only 10 minutes.... and the end result was only 46/100. I spent a couple of minutes crying at my computer desk. It wasn’t real crying, more of a shocked sadness, with tears but no sound. Meanwhile, the little boys continued to cry in the back bedroom...

I gave up. It was all too hard. I called man and told him to please bring home dinner. He bought home Macca’s for the boys and wraps from Nandos for us, the only problem was that he did buy himself some chips, and I am pretty sure I ate more chips then he did. I also failed at lunch on Friday. I came home from my friend’s house and put the babies to bed so I could study... only to realise I didn’t have anything for lunch. I ended up with a sandwich and a packet of popcorn.

Here I was on Friday, emotionally and mentally drained. I was stressed and sad... yet I was wearing size 22 jeans for the 1st time in about 4 years! How is it possible I could wear those jeans all day (and be happy about it) yet fall into such a state? I wonder if maybe I let my guard down a bit and this gave Fat Girl and opportunity to speak to me? Is it possible that I became “Diet Cocky”?

I made it to the Gym on Saturday morning and I had a wonderful photoshoot of a 2 day old baby, but I was tired and feeling foggy. My period arrived without warning on Saturday. I’ve seen so many people use their period as an excuse for gaining weight that week or eating badly and I thought I was better than that. It seems that I’m not, because I am wondering if maybe my approaching period had something to do with my tiredness, emotions and even with my inability to resist urges to eat. I have also been really foggy, and unable to focus.

I have been struggling with extremely heavy periods for about 9 months now. They have left me totally housebound and helpless for up to 10 days at a time. I had many tests done earlier in the year and nothing came back as abnormal. I find it frustrating having no answer. This time around it hasn’t been as bad but it did prevent me from going to the gym this morning. I am really hoping that I can get to the gym tomorrow... I am sure the gym plays an important role in my emotions during the day.

Although I haven’t had a huge blow out, like I haven’t eaten a whole bar of chocolate or something, I am still disappointed. Man has been really proud of my weight loss and has been updating his friends and family. I have no idea why, but he got over excited for me and told everyone I had lost 12kgs instead of 11 kgs. He doesn’t see the impact of this as he thinks it’s no big deal. It is to me because I feel almost like he thinks my 11kgs isn’t good enough. We are seeing his parents on the weekend and I don’t want to go now. They think I lost 12kgs and now I am thinking that as a result of the last few days that I won’t lose weight this week, so I will be at 11kgs lost, or even worse, what if I gain again? What am I going to tell them?

I still haven’t finished Man’s finance reports, I just can’t seem to find the motivation or energy for it. He isn’t too happy with me about it, but he hasn’t said anything. I think he now knows that when there is a packet of pads or tampons next to the toilet, that some things are best left unsaid.

I thought I would share some of my favourite photos from the photo shoot I did on Saturday. There is a very sad story... Little baby Piper’s birth was brought forward early by 2 weeks (via c-section) because her grandad was critically ill. He got to meet his new granddaughter via Skype the day she was born (on Thursday) and sadly he passed away a few hours later (in the early hours of Friday morning). Sadly this makes this time even more bittersweet for Piper’s mum Kristy who was also celebrating her birthday on Friday.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I Can Jump!

I realised this week that I still don't have an accurate picture in my mind of what I look like. I thought the body image generated at Curves was fairly accurate – yet I knew there was some 'kindness' to the image, particularly around the face and neck.

Last night I decided it was time to get to know my body and spend some quality one-on-one time with myself... in front of a mirror... totally in the buff! I haven't looked at myself like this in years, in fact, now that I think about it, I haven't had a full length mirror in in my house in over 10 years. I avoid looking in the mirror and when I do, it is never with such a critical eye. I usually have a quick glance before I leave the house to make sure I look okay and in the process I some how block out my size.

I can't see that I have lost 11kgs. In fact the longer I look at myself I start to wonder if I have lost any weight at all. I found myself questioning if somehow the scales were wrong, that maybe I wasn't 150.3kgs? Maybe, I have always been 139.3 kgs and some how I got confused? Wow I am big. I am trying to imagine 11 more kgs on me and can't imagine that I was bigger than I am now, only a mere 6 weeks ago.

Although I can't see a difference, I can definitely feel the difference. Six weeks ago I was using the last row of hooks on my bra, this morning I had to use the 1st row (the smallest setting). I have noticed that I can hang my arms closer to my body. I can actually touch my chin to my chest and I am pretty sure that I can stand with my feet closer together. For the 1st time in a long time I can stand on one leg, with the other leg bent up at the knee and held behind my bottom with 1 hand.

Now that I know I can feel changes, I look harder in the mirror. I think I can see a change in my tummy, I am sure it isn't hanging down as much. I get dressed and as I am leaving the bathroom suddenly I have a thought. “Can I JUMP?” I ask myself, and before I know it I am jumping on the spot! I actually got both feet into the air. I recall watching The Biggest Loser earlier in the year (or possibly even last year) and one of the female contestants was too afraid to jump onto a small platform. She was crying and genuinely scared that she couldn't jump. I recall that at the time I felt her pain. I knew if that was me, I too would be crying and scared to jump. The thing is I have realised I can jump. My body still seems capable of doing things.

I made a brave decision tonight. I have decided it will be highly beneficial to me to take regular photos of myself. Tonight, with Man's help I have taken 3 photographs. I am sitting here looking at the 3 photographs and I think I am finally starting to not feel shocked at what I see. My face does look different to how it looks in my mind, especially my neck and chins. My shoulders are a lot wider than I thought they were and I can see that I stand with a tilt. I have mild scoliosis (a curve in the spine) that was picked up during standard screening in year eight. I seems very obvious to me and I am now wondering if I need to work on my posture.
This photograph shows me holding #4, who weighs exactly 11kgs (the total I have lost).  Its hard to imagine where all of that weight was sitting on me.
I think I know know exactly what I look like!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Comments Issues

I am having problems with the comments section and I hope to get this fixed ASAP.  I think it has something to do with the custom template I have!

I am studying tonight for a Critical Thinking test tomorrow - so no real posts from me today... keep an eye out tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Diet Food for Phase 1

Well yesterday was the beginning of Phase 1 - 1, 200 calories.

I thought It might be interesting just to photograph my meals today and see how tempting they look!

6:30 AM
I started my day and woke up to have my Tony Ferguson Shake and fibre.  I was at Curves Gym by about 7:30 AM.

8:30 - I finished my workout and was home to see the boys off to school.  I had a snack of 100gms of 98% fat free chicken breast.

11:30 AM - Time for Morning tea.  Again I have another protein snack.  This time I had a high protein, low carb shake from Aussie Bodies.

1:30 PM - Lunch Time!  Both boys were alseep so I got to sit down and enjoy my lunch.  I had a garden salad with low fat cheese and a can of sweet chilli tuna, followed by 6 strawberries..

3:30 - Both big boys are home from school wanting snacks.  They have my fresh, homemade bread with butter!  I have celery stalks with low fat cottage cheese!

6:00 - Dinner Time.  Tonight I made Chicken Parma for the family using low fat cheese.  I didn't have a snitzel though, I had 150 grams of grilled chicken breast with the topping and low fat cheese.  We had mixed steamed (microwaved veggies) and 'Notatos' - blended cauliflower and low fat cream cheese.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Official Zone

I let a teenage boy with a patchy goatie make me cry on Sunday. Several weeks ago I realised that a danger time for me to eat bad food was at the Boy’s footy games. Often I am tempted with Hot Chocolate, Dim Sims or Hotdogs, partly as a poor attempt to get warm and mainly just because they are so tasty. Three weeks ago I realised the best solution is if I do laps of the oval for the whole entire game. It warms me up, stops me from eating and keeps #4 happy in his pram because we are moving.

It was a home game on Sunday and I had both #3 and #4 in the big double pram. I walked for the whole 1st quarter and stopped to listen to the coach at quarter time (as all the parents do). It was a good work out and I found just walking on the thick, long grass pushing both boys in the pram really got my heart rate up and gave me leg burn. The second quarter started and off I went. I was just about to finish my 1st lap when I was approached by a teen dressed in the footy team's tracksuit.

He told me that I can’t walk there and that I have to get off the oval. Of course I was surprised so I asked him why. He went on to explain that it’s the rules and only officials are allowed in that section (between the fence and the white line). I responded by saying that there was nowhere else to walk close to the ground because of the mud, but he had walked off by that stage, leaving be standing there with tears welling in my eyes.

I was hurt and mad, especially when I looked around and saw many other parents within the ‘official zone’. I wondered who was the gutless club official, who told the teen (who couldn’t even grow decent facial by the way!) that he had to approach me. I mean here I am, an obviously FAT mum having a crack and actually out walking! How dare they tell me I can’t walk!

It was now raining and the rain drops were hiding my tears, it was at that moment that I had a bit of a laugh to myself. ME, CRYING over not being allowed to go for a walk! HA! I guess I have changed somewhat over the last 6 weeks. I called Man (who was at #1’s game at another oval) and complained to him, but he did point out that yes, the club was following a fairly standard rule. I however wondered if they picked on me as opposed to the other parents in the ‘official zone’ because they thought my Mountain Buggy was going to ruin their surface. No people, the mountain buggy may look like a tank, but she is one smooth ride and lighter than she looks.

For those that don’t know what a Mountain Buggy is (Is there such a person?), I will explain. A Mountain Buggy is a brand of pram. The single versions are 3 wheeler and the double versions, like mine is a 4 wheeler. My MBUD (Mountain Buggy Urban Double - http://www.mountainbuggy.com/duo.htm) is my beloved walking pram and has been in my care for over 12 months. We have done many kms together. I use it daily (well almost) to go to the local shops to get something for dinner etc, I use it to go to the local library for story time, Man and I use it when we go to places like the Zoo or the Royal Show.

Today I used my MBUD to go on a very long walk with a friend from playgroup. I think we did almost 4.5 kms in 65 minutes. The walk was burning from the moment I started because I had already been to the gym this morning. This means that in total today I have exercised for 95 minutes! My workout at Curves was great. I burnt 436 calories this morning at curves and approx 328 calories while walking. I have noticed that finally my sleep patterns are changing. I am starting to find it easy to get out of bed at 6 :00 am. I am also finding it easier to get to sleep at night. Last night I was asleep before 11:00 pm. It would seem that I have the body clock of a normal person!

Today is day 1 of Phase 1. So far all is going well. I am expecting to see a loss on the scales on Wendesday

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Metabolism Recovery

For the last week or so I have been questioning ‘Why the Rush?’ What do I have to gain by losing weight as fast as I can? Sure, I will reach my goals faster, but then what? Am I going to be restricted to 1200 calories every day for the rest of my life? For some time now I have been hearing a voice telling me to slow down. I just assumed it was Fat Girl with yet another tactic to get me to eat bad foods. Today I stopped and listened to the voice and to my surprise it is actually skinny girl! She actually needs me to slow down my weight loss. We all know the story about the turtle and the hair and we have all head the phase ‘slow and steady wins the race’.

Let’s face it, I am doing this for my future, not to get thin as quick as I can. It’s not like I am a contestant on the Biggest Loser or anything. This journey is for me, and for me only. I am a researcher and critical thinker by nature. I want to know they facts, they how’s and the why’s of life, so it is only natural that I have spent a lot of time researching weight loss issues.

It seems that dieting does slow down one’s metabolism, which in turn makes it easier to gain weight. This is because when you restrict calories your body eventually puts a stop to ‘starvation mode’ by slowing down. Everyone knows this yet we all go on these diets, restrict our calories and then cry foul when we plateau. Most people then restrict their calories even further and then reach their goal weight with a stuffed metabolism. It’s like we dieters are setting ourselves up for failure from the get go.

I recently came across the concept of ‘Metabolism Recovery’. In short, it simply means having a 2-4 week break from dieting every month. You can only begin to imagine the words I have been hearing from Fat Girl about this concept! And it is this reason that I am approaching this with care. I am currently on the Tony Ferguson Plan, yet after some research and careful menu balancing I am in the process of altering this.

There are 3 phases of the ‘Metabolism Recovery’ technique. Phase 1 lasts for a week and during this phase I plan to consume 1200 calories. Phase 2 goes for 3 weeks and consists of approx 1500 calories and finally Phase 3 (which is the metabolism recovery stage) goes for 2-4 weeks and you consume 2500 calories. I am also going to be combining this with a high protein, low GI diet. For the last week or so I have avoided dairy, but I am planning on re-introducing it in the form of cheese this week.

Phase 1 will technically start on Monday – giving me today and tomorrow to continue as normal and maybe even bend the rules slightly.

My plan for Phase 1 consists of 3 main meals and 3 snacks. In total my goal nutrients will be:

Carbohydrates: 91 g

Protein: 137 g

Fat: 34 g

Calories: 1200

Don’t forget to check the link to my diet journal to see what I am eating on Monday: http://www.calorieking.com.au/public/?member=photographer

I had a great workout today at Curves. I finally have my Curves Smart chip – so the computer pushes me to work at a high level. I also love that I can see so much information on the computer afterwards. I burnt 335 calories today!

What I didn’t realise was that my body measurements and weight are used to create an ‘animation’ of me! I got a shock at seeing my own body there on the screen but also got a bit of a giggle!

My results came back for my essay yesterday also. I got 70/100, which is considered to be a distinction. I should be happy with this result but I do feel a bit disappointed. Most people at uni are just happy to pass... I want to get at least 80% for everything. I think I am so keen on being a good student at Uni because I really let myself down in High School. I never studied and only did assignments at the last minute.

I managed to pass year 12 and get an okay result but I often wonder what I could have done if I actually tired. It’s hard to admit to having regrets in life... it’s similar to wishing for a daughter. I do regret not trying at High School but at the same time I am happy with where I am in life.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Maslow and the Hierarchy

I haven’t fallen off the wagon, but gee, I am hanging off it sideways with only one hand hanging on.

I didn’t lose weight this week... I actually gained 600 grams. I did lose 2cms from my waist and a lot would say that its the cm’s that count, but to be honest – I want to see kgs going down as well.

I have been trying to analyse what exactly went wrong. I didn’t get much time for walks and my step count for the week was pitiful. I am blaming this on my #3 who was sick and spent the entire week on my lap on the couch.

However, I also suspect that the forgetful bulimic had a bit of action. I think I probably had a spoon full or a bite of something naughty every day for the week. Most of it I didn’t record it in my food diary because I didn’t think it would have much of an impact . Now I realise it is possible those naughty little bites here an there did have more of an impact than I care to admit.

Today has no doubt been the worst day yet. I bought the 2 baby boys a McDonalds Happy Meal on the way home from playgroup. #4 fell asleep before he got to eat it. This resulted in an argument between Fat Girl and Skinny Girl. Fat Girl won. I ate a cheese burger and a small fries and I have been dealing with the disapproving remarks from Skinny Girl ever since. It seems that Skinny Girl does have a nasty side when she doesn’t get her own way, I am considering calling her Skinny Bitch from now on.

I bought a bread maker today... this has the potential of being a complete diet suicide mission. I just finished making the 1st loaf... and ended up eating about a 1 inch thick slice with marg.

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning too. On Tuesday and Wednesday I was up at 6:00 am, and at the Gym by 6:30 for my workout. Today Man had to meet a client at 7:00 am in Port Melbourne so there was no time for me to go this morning. I still woke up at 6:00 but re-set the alarm for 7:00, then re-set it again for 8:00. I got out of bed grumpy after having 2 hours of broken sleep and annoyed because now we had to rush to get the big boys ready for school.

All day I have been annoyed that Fat Girl has won this round. I am trying to analyse and work out why I can’t always say no. My stress levels are fairly high this week. Man is the only bread winner and is actually self employed, this can make for some interesting situations. We have gone for about 3 weeks without any pay cheques and things are starting to get a bit tight. The house is still pretty disorganised and messy. So maybe I can blame stress?

Maybe I can claim that food is just a natural desire? After all, it is the most basic requirement according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs). Why must I complicate reasons for eating and why must I always try to find answers? It’s a basic human need, so could the answer be as simple as that?

I somehow need to find the strength to get back on track tomorrow. I found myself doubting how I can cope with these feelings and constant Fat Girl arguments. It’s been easy for me this last month and my weight has just fallen off. I know this journey is going to take me at least 12 months and then a life time of being controlled. I found myself questioning if I have the strength to fight for the next 12 months. It’s been a hard week and I honestly can’t see how I can do this week after week.

I took the boys out for haircuts today. It amazes me just how much they all love haircuts! Even the big boys loved going to the hair dresser as babies, I’ve been lucky enough to not have the screaming toddler issues that most people associate with kids getting haircuts. Being a mum of 4 children draws a lot of attention, and this attention is doubled by the fact that I have all boys. I am getting so sick of the comments from strangers. In the beginning I didn’t mind and usually made jokes. I’d commonly tell people that I was planning on adopting 2 more children in several years. Truth is I have just about had enough of it. I am constantly asked how old they are, if I planned them, if I am having more and being told things like ‘gee you must be buys’. Of course I am bloody busy, but no more busy than other mothers.

People don’t realise that I do carry around some pain associated with being a daughterless mother. Sure, I love my boys and to be honest I hate that I even have to say that if I tell people I would have liked a daughter. Doesn’t it go without saying that you love your children and that you wouldn’t change anything? No one told me that I would never have a daughter. I have visualised her since I was about 12 years old. She is so cute with her strawberry blonde hair and freckles on her nose. Man and I were to call her Ella and I was to buy her 1st pram when she was pregnant. Man was supposed to give her away when she got married. I had planned on taking a photo of my nanna, my mother, me and Ella – 4 generations in one photograph, just like the one that was taken of me, mum, nanna and my great grandmother.

I had to have my tubes tied after #4 was born. I didn’t want to, but I had to. The Doctor told me it was for my own health reasons and that I was very lucky. I suddenly dawned on me this week that maybe he wasn’t talking about the condition of my uterus, that maybe he was anti-fat. Just maybe, he was worried about my health given the weight I was! I have been wondering has my weight cost me my daughter I will never have? I also know that diet, especially soft drink such as Coke a Cola can lead to a higher rate of boy births. Man and I didn’t give up caffeine when we were trying to make a baby girl (#3).

I hate thinking it (because it would mean I wouldn’t have my 4 sons) but I do wonder if my diet also contributed to us having boys. My boys are my world and I do proudly walk around in public with them. I know all 4 of them are going to have great lives and grow up to be wonderful men, but I will always have a sense of loss, like I am mourning the loss of the daughter Man and I never had. Man has the same feeling of loss. He very rarely mentions it because he knows I need him to be strong, but there are times when we feel it between us, usually when a friend has a baby girl or we see something on TV. He gives me a look and sometimes I feel like he is apologising to me, other times his looks is more like a sadness.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Maturity Growth Spurt

I have spent the good part of 12 hours today working on an Essay titled “Naturalism and Idealism of Sculptures in the Ancient Greek Classical Period”. Fingers crossed I get a good mark.

I must say I really enjoyed my time at the library today and yesterday. As crazy as this sounds, I felt like I was having a break! I came home feeling rejuvenated and happy! I'm not exactly sounding like the words best mum right now by admitting that I preferred to study at the library than be at home with the boys!
I am realising more and more that this whole weight loss journey is actually more than that. I think I am having a 'growth spurt' or should I say maturity spurt? I've had them in the past, when suddenly I realise that the essence of me has slightly changed and and I have grown more emotionally or mentally.
Man and I have really grown up together. I was just 18 and he was just 22 when we met. I think a big part of the success of our relationship is our ability to accept these 'maturity spurts' in each other.

Yesterday I explored my weight gain and last night after a bit of thinking about it I realised that in the past Man has been a bit of a saboteur. He would ask me to go to the corner shop for sweets and chips at night, or if I was having a weak moment he would bring home take away if I asked for it. I realised during this week that he no longer plays this role. Interestingly, I suspect he also has a warped body image of me. Similar to how I didn't notice me gaining weight, I don't think he has (well he has) as much. He does seem to see past my weight and really only notices it sometimes and seems surprised. But, having said that, he also seems to have forgotten that I was once thin... and this in turn makes me question if I was ever thin!

I have also noticed lately how supportive Man is of my studies. I spent 5 hours at the library today and 3 hours yesterday while he was at home playing mum. This is actually my 3rd attempt at returning to Uni. Both other times (one pre kids and one post 2 older kids) he was disinterested and was selfish in that he preferred me to spend time with him rather than at the the library. In the past if I was too tired to go to a lecture – he wouldn't push me. It seems that he has also had a 'maturity spurt'.

I have been thinking more about rewards for reaching weight loss goals today. Me joining the Gym was actually a reward for losing 10 kgs (well... 9.3). I have a couple of other things I want to start introducing into my life.

A lovely friend of mine goes to yoga and Bikram yoga a couple of times a week. I am really interested in both of them yet I feel I am not ready. I am also really taken with the idea of Zuma!

So, with this in mind I have been thinking that when I have lost another 10kgs I should join her at the normal yoga!

Another physical activity I miss is bike riding. I have a bike but I really need to get one of those trailers for the babies.

Anyway – here are my goal rewards:

130kgs – Start Yoga

120 kgs – get a bike trailer and go for bike rides with the family

110 kgs – to to Zumba classes

100 kgs – go to Bikram Yoga

I also have my other main goals that I had indicated:

135 kgs
124 kgs
96 kgs
80 kgs

These are more sentimental goals for me and I think I need to reward myself in a special way. Maybe buy something nice – new clothes, shoes or hand bag...or dare I say it... a new pram?

I wonder how long it will take me to be a mum of 4, who goes to the gym 6 times a week, does yoga, zumba and Bikram as well as studying at uni and being a hobbiest photographer going for bike rides?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Why didn't I nip it in the bud?

Well I’ve had 2 sessions at Curves!

I wasn’t convinced on the 1st session. I wondered how 30 seconds of a workout and 30 seconds of cooling down (and repeat for 30 minutes) would really do anything. I found it easy to work as hard as I could during the 30 seconds on the machine and believe me when you are pushing yourself 30 seconds does feel much more like 5 minutes! I Jogged on the cool down spot for the other 30 second intervals. Right now I have just realised that I have jogged for 15 minutes in total! I am really looking forward to getting my smart chip so I can start really pushing myself.

I am still trying to come to terms with how I managed to be this size (well 9.3kgs bigger than I am now). I don’t see myself as a fat slob. I guess I can’t understand what I am missing in terms of personality traits to make me not care. What do women who maintain their weights have that I don’t have? Why is it that some women stay on top of their weight and can easily stay within a normal range. Sure I can blame my PCOS, but isn’t that a cop out? Shouldn’t most of the blame be laid on me and my personality.

I just think back when I started to gain weight. Why didn’t I nip it in the bud and love my body? I wonder if this has happened because I seem to have had a poor body image from the beginning (I always thought I looked fat in photos even when I was a size 10). Had I given up on my weight before I even gained weight?

I wonder was I just simply too happy to care? Nope, I don’t think that was it. Sure, Man and I were young and madly in love, but my life was lonely. I moved to Melbourne 3 months after my 18th birthday. I said goodbye to all of my high school friends and left. Suddenly I find myself alone and interstate. Man was my 1 and only friend. I had gone from being fairly popular to suddenly feeling alone. I would spend my days waiting for Man to come home from work or home from footy. We would go out to dinner every week or so and go out drinking with HIS mates every few weeks – but it was a far cry from the girly weekends I had back at home. Sad thing is I didn’t desire friends. I was just happy to follow Man around.

A good friend of mine from high school moved to Melbourne about 6 months later. She was in the party stage of her life. She was ‘footloose and fancy free’ and spend her weekends at bars and clubs. I went out with her a couple of times but it always ended in arguments. I wanted to go home too Many and she wanted to stay out all night talking to men.

I think also a part of me believed that women get fat. Simple as that. I had seen all of the women in my family with weight issues. Something that sticks in my mind is the day I left home. Mum said to me “I guess this means you are going to settle down and get frumpy”. I laughed at her at the time – but the scary thing is that is exactly what happened. Actually as I think now I know that when I am out without my children I sometimes feel like people are judging my weight – I have literally thought to myself “I wish I had a t-shirt that says I have 4 kids’. Part of me thinks that because I have had kids that it is okay to be fat. I never think people are judging me when I am with my kids.

Man and I separated in 1999. We agreed that we were too young and he admitted that he wanted to date other women. I was gutted at the time – but looking back I am actually thankful that he was brave enough to ‘set his bird free’. It opened up so many opportunities for me. I was living with a flat mate who became a very good friend. Her and I are still friends. I also started to meet people and make friends. I started going out to bars and clubs and strangely enough I started losing weight. Man and I were still close and saw each other a fair bit... then one day I realised I didn’t have a hangover... I had morning sickness...

I became a mum. Finally I had an excuse to be fat. Having a child opened up some friendship opportunities for me and I met 3 of my closest friends at my young mums group. At this point in my life I was fairly happy but still gaining weight slowly – without realising.

The last time I had a good crack at changing things was when I was working and going to the gym in the morning. That was back in 2004. Although I didn’t have a hobby or anything I did have my friends from mums group and I love working.

Throughout all of this I did start diets as I have mentioned in earlier posts. Looking back it seems I knew I needed to do something but I just didn’t have the staying power to follow it through. I think realistically I just wasn’t in the right head space. As I am writing all of this I am wondering if I am making excuses for myself? Am I? I honestly don’t know? I just have this strong desire to analyse the past and wonder what went wrong. Why didn’t I do anything?

Maybe I need to put this in a positive manner and question why am I finally doing something? I really think it has to do with my feeling of happiness and being complete. Of course I was happy when I was younger but so many important aspects of life were missing. I feel like I am older and settled, I am studying and I have a hobby. I am no longer defined as just a mum. I have some new friends from playgroup and some older friends from my young mums group. Is it now that my life is complete that I am now work on the 1 part that maybe isn’t complete? It seems that I need to be intellectually stimulated in order to want to get fit? I really think that buying my camera and starting Open Uni has set this ball into motion....

Gee life is such a journey!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Forgetful Bulimic

Well I had weigh in yesterday and I am happy to report that I have lost another 2.5 kgs! That gives me a total loss of 9.3kgs. I am amazed. I really thought that I would slow down.

As I promised I have joined Curves gym. I am super excited! Tomorrow will be my 1st work out and I have scheduled it for 6:30am. I hate the mornings. I have never been a morning person, so I am going to have to a mental struggle tomorrow morning when my alarm goes off!

My eating has been pretty good. I have had a few moments of throwing food into my mouth without really thinking. Tonight I caught myself eating some left over chicken Kiev from #3’s plate and then when I served Man and all 4 boys their dessert – I found a spoonful in my mouth.

I had a very emotional day on Tuesday. My 2 babies were sick and I was lacking in sleep. They both spent the day on my lap. I was crying at the drop of a hat and giving Man a hard time. Yet again I am wondering if my period is about to show up any day. I almost gave up! Imagine me, giving up on the day before weigh – in!  I was refusing to cook dinner and told man to bring home Macca’s for dinner. He did – but only for him and the boys.  I was slightly annoyed but also happy at the same time. I did sneak a bite of a cheese burger... I wish I didn’t.

I ended up at Coles 1 hour later – still feeling very emotional and looking to cure myself with food. I browsed the Isles for what seemed like a lifetime - looking for something to medicate myself with.  I ended up with some cooked prawns, a chicken curry, an Atkins bar and a Nestle Diet chocolate mousse.   I did go over my calorie budget for the day but not by too much (see my diet diary for proof!).

It seems that I am still struggling with emotional eating and automatic eating. I can ignore Fat Girl when she talks to me – yet I think she is trying to outsmart me. I am sure I can blame her for the emotional and automatic eating. I just need to learn notice her non-verbal ques.  The automatic eating really does happen so fast, the food is in my mouth before I think about it. Maybe I need to promise myself that I will spit out the food if I ever catch myself doing that again.  Yes Fat Girl that is what I will do!  I WILL spit it out... hmmm is this how eating disorders start?  I have always joked that I am a forgetful bulimic, im good at binging but I always forget the purge.

My stress levels are pretty high at the moment. Both babies have been sick for 3 nights now and my house is a disaster zone. I haven’t had a walk since Monday as it’s been raining or the kids are too sick to leave the house. I wonder what the correlation between my lack of walks and being stuck indoors is to how stressed and overwhelmed I am feeling right now. I find that when I am overwhelmed I seem to give up. Boy#3 and Boy#4 have literally been fighting over my lap for the last 3 days and I have been unable to do any house work! This is a point when things can snowball out of control for me. The house feels so messy that I don’t know where to start so I just give in.

I’ve had a big chat with Man tonight. I have explained to him that I really need his help to catch up on the house work over the weekend so come Monday morning I can get up and go to the gym at 6:30am and come home to an organised and happy house.... only I just realised Monday is a public holiday!

I did manage to leave the house today when I went to pay my joining fee at Curves. I also got a little goodies bag for joining. I love these little sample bags! Afterwards I decided I needed some retail therapy and bought myself a polar fleece jumper to wear on the way to the gym and a pair of ¾ pants to wear at the gym .

Well... I think the only way I am going to manage to make it to Curves in the morning is if I get off this computer, lay out my 'training outfit' and go to bed!
Oh, I thought I should add that I am now in twitter!  I have a feeling tweeting my feelings may be helpful!  Look for fatgirlgetslim

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Food Tension

I’ve realised that it’s just not Fat Girl that suggests that I eat.

Today I experienced some sort of ‘food tension’. It was like an irritating annoying feeling, and the best way I can describe it is like sexual tension! It makes me think that maybe Fat Girl suggests I eat for different reasons than the food tension I felt today. All day today I just thought about food and it did make me feel irritated – like I just wanted to scoff something down to take the tension away.

I am wondering what is causing this feeling? It’s not emotional or boredom or stress related like Fat Girls suggestions seem to be related to... it feels like it’s a chemical issue. It has me wondering if it is soon to be my time of the month maybe? Maybe my body has realised it is in ‘starvation’ mode and it is crying out to be fed? It also feels different to the feelings I get from eating carbs... Fat Girl always wants more carbs the day after.

Because I don’t understand this tension I really don’t know how to prevent it. I fought it with all my might today. I do wonder if it is like a withdrawal mechanism and if I can muster the strength to push through I can beat it. Right now I feel like if this tension doesn’t go away in a day or so, I just might crumble.

I had a great day today. I got up early and went for a big walk will all of my boys this morning. On the way home we stopped at the park for a play. When we did eventually get home I cooked them some pancakes and managed to avoid eating any! I felt a sense of pride about cooking for others. I have realised it is a different feeling to cooking something I am going to eat as well. I can say that it was just as satisfying being in the kitchen cooking pancakes for my boys as it would be to eat them.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Personal Best

It been a quiet couple of days.
Yesterday I managed to break my personal best step count and do over 13,000 steps. I am pretty happy with myself!

And as a contrast, today's step count is only at 3183! I always struggle to get my step count high on Thursdays as its playgroup day and I don't walk around that much at playgroup. When we get home the boys will sleep and I spend the time relaxing.

My weigh in was also yesterday. I have lost 1.2kgs this week – which is amazing considering I consumed 4000 calories on Saturday night! I am still surprised at how much the Tony Ferguson plan is working for me. I still don't feel that hungry feeling. I do of course feel the urge to eat.

Today I just had it in my mind that I wanted to treat myself, and my treat myself I mean treat myself to a nice meal. I was craving carbs and sugar and came very close to listening to Fat Girl when she said “stuff it today – just have some bread”

I did listen to Fat Girl at one point and ate a small Teddy Shaped cake. I wonder if it was eating this cake that started to snowball of urges.

I walked to Coles and walked around the aisles for a while trying to work out what to eat for dinner tonight. Man was out working and not coming home until after footy training and I only had #2, 3 and 4 with me as #1 is on school camp. I bought the boys some chicken nuggets and chips (a treat for them) and I found some organic gourmet food in the refrigerated section near the Latina Pasta. I bought myself a Thai Chicken curry. I did take my time to study the labels and make a conscious decision to choose the best item in terms of carbs, fat and calories. I then bought myself a Coke Zero and an Atkins low carb chocolate bar as well as a HPLC caramel bar.

I got the 3 boys to bed early and sat down to my treat dinner. I had my Thai curry and coke and watched TV. It was nice almost restaurant quality food. I feel as though I had take away. I followed this with the chocolate bar. I then spent some time listing things on ebay and eventually ate the HPLC bar. I feel like I have eaten really bad things tonight and feel satisfied, yet when I look at my stats in my food diary (see the link under my profile) I came in at my goal daily calorie allowance and within my fat and carb allowance.

Its now close the midnight and my urge to eat rubbish is gone. I do have that yucky feeling I seem to taste/feel from the diet coke and tomorrow I am going to have to be very careful that I don't continue to crave the foods.

For a while now I have been thinking about joining the Curves gym and doing it when I get down to about 135kgs. I went in there today and I think I want to join now! I am going to make a phone call tomorrow and organise for a free session.

Dr. Phil was interesting over the last 2 days. It was the 'great fat debate'. Thin people complaining about fat people using up tax payer money for health problems and taking up too much room in aeroplanes etc. The fat people were very pro-fat and one woman went as far as to suggest that the hatred she felt was similar to that of the KKK! I would like to say that I am on the skinny side of things. I do believe that if someone can't fit in a aeroplanes seat then they should buy 2 seats. All I kept thinking when I was watching the show was about how much in denial the fat women were. It seems that the Fat Girl inside this women has completely eradicated Skinny Girl!

Oh and I should mention I finally got the results of my final assignment back! I got 23/30. I was actually disappointed! In total I got 84/100 for the whole unit, which is a HD! So I am pretty proud!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Nap Sync

I had a great start to my day today. I woke up feeling more motivated than ever before and just wanted to go for a morning walk. In the past a morning walk was hard to organise because #4 was still having 2 naps a day, but I have finally resigned to the fact that he is now a 1 nap a day baby. This does make my life slightly easier because now both #3 and #4 are sleeping at the same time. It has also opened up an opportunity for morning walks after I have done my chores for the morning.

So I raced around and got the big kids to school , cleaned the breakfast mess, put a batch of yoghurt on and put a load of washing on. I was all done by about 9:30 and was able to head out for a walk. I decided to push myself and walk faster than usual. The whole time I was imagining just how high my step count on the pedometer would be and how many minutes of aerobic activity it would pick up. I was about 2/3rds of the way through my walk when I couldn’t take the suspense any more and I had to have a look at my step count.

You can imagine my disappointment when I realised it had fallen upside down so it had only recorded 723 steps... it was set at about 600 when I left. I stupid thing didn’t count my steps because it was upside down!!!! I fixed it and walked home feeling a bit annoyed that it didn’t count my steps, but also felt great I had such a long walk. The pedometer recorded 17 minutes and 1906 steps of aerobic walking when it really should have recorded close to 50 minutes.

I use my phone like an iPod. I have a HTC HD2 and I love it! I walked to P!nk and the Black Eyed Peas today and I have decided that tomorrow after my weigh in I will allow myself to buy and download some more music to listen to on my walks.

I had an okay day with food. My craving are almost non-existent and Fat Girl seems to have kept her mouth closed lately. She did manage to sneak a sausage into my mouth today but it seems that I have to calories to afford it.

My weigh in is tomorrow. I am a bit nervous but also excited as usual. I have weighed myself at least 1000 times again today and saw numbers ranging from 142.7 to 144.3, so at this point it is hard to know how much (if any) I have lost this week.

Since the boys have ‘nap sync’ at the moment I was able to watch both Dr. Phil and Oprah today. Both were very interesting and I felt somewhat relevant to me. Dr. Phil was talking about the connection between brain and memory etc and diet along with the whole concept of use it or lose it. The point was made that you need to use your brain to feel happy and motivated. I have been feeling a lot more alive lately and I am wondering where did I get the courage to start this journey. I suspect it has something to do with buying my Camera last year and learning about photography then actually going back to study this year. I think I am at the mental place I am now due to studies.... ha! Now I don’t mean mental as in crazy!

Dr. Phil also featured a woman who gets depressed in winter. Some suggestions were make that she needs to remove clutter, put some happy moment photographs around the house and maybe start her day sitting in the kitchen window. I wonder if maybe I should start my day in our lounge room window with its sheer curtain. He also discussed that exercise makes people feel happy. It seems to be that I may have started a self propelling happy cycle. Study makes me happy and motivated to do things like exercise and exercise clears the mind and makes me happy and more alert to study. WIN WIN WIN.

Oprah was re-visiting past quests today. One quest had been on the show 8 years ago after losing more than half her body weight. She maintained this for several years and then one day she gave up and started gaining weight again. She said that she became addicted to the attention she received while losing weight. This was rather a fascinating thing to consider, after all I have recently gone ‘public’ with my journey and I am getting a lot more attention lately. I am enjoying it but now I realise that using my friends, family and even strangers as motivators may get me to my goal but it isn’t going to keep me there. This is all so new to me still and I guess the question I need to ask myself is how am I going to do this for the rest of my life? It is such a confronting question and it’s a thought that is almost strong enough to make me want to run away and hide.

The thing is I can’t continue to hide from these hard questions any more. I can’t hide from my problems. I have to confront them.
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