Saturday, June 12, 2010

Why didn't I nip it in the bud?

Well I’ve had 2 sessions at Curves!

I wasn’t convinced on the 1st session. I wondered how 30 seconds of a workout and 30 seconds of cooling down (and repeat for 30 minutes) would really do anything. I found it easy to work as hard as I could during the 30 seconds on the machine and believe me when you are pushing yourself 30 seconds does feel much more like 5 minutes! I Jogged on the cool down spot for the other 30 second intervals. Right now I have just realised that I have jogged for 15 minutes in total! I am really looking forward to getting my smart chip so I can start really pushing myself.

I am still trying to come to terms with how I managed to be this size (well 9.3kgs bigger than I am now). I don’t see myself as a fat slob. I guess I can’t understand what I am missing in terms of personality traits to make me not care. What do women who maintain their weights have that I don’t have? Why is it that some women stay on top of their weight and can easily stay within a normal range. Sure I can blame my PCOS, but isn’t that a cop out? Shouldn’t most of the blame be laid on me and my personality.

I just think back when I started to gain weight. Why didn’t I nip it in the bud and love my body? I wonder if this has happened because I seem to have had a poor body image from the beginning (I always thought I looked fat in photos even when I was a size 10). Had I given up on my weight before I even gained weight?

I wonder was I just simply too happy to care? Nope, I don’t think that was it. Sure, Man and I were young and madly in love, but my life was lonely. I moved to Melbourne 3 months after my 18th birthday. I said goodbye to all of my high school friends and left. Suddenly I find myself alone and interstate. Man was my 1 and only friend. I had gone from being fairly popular to suddenly feeling alone. I would spend my days waiting for Man to come home from work or home from footy. We would go out to dinner every week or so and go out drinking with HIS mates every few weeks – but it was a far cry from the girly weekends I had back at home. Sad thing is I didn’t desire friends. I was just happy to follow Man around.

A good friend of mine from high school moved to Melbourne about 6 months later. She was in the party stage of her life. She was ‘footloose and fancy free’ and spend her weekends at bars and clubs. I went out with her a couple of times but it always ended in arguments. I wanted to go home too Many and she wanted to stay out all night talking to men.

I think also a part of me believed that women get fat. Simple as that. I had seen all of the women in my family with weight issues. Something that sticks in my mind is the day I left home. Mum said to me “I guess this means you are going to settle down and get frumpy”. I laughed at her at the time – but the scary thing is that is exactly what happened. Actually as I think now I know that when I am out without my children I sometimes feel like people are judging my weight – I have literally thought to myself “I wish I had a t-shirt that says I have 4 kids’. Part of me thinks that because I have had kids that it is okay to be fat. I never think people are judging me when I am with my kids.

Man and I separated in 1999. We agreed that we were too young and he admitted that he wanted to date other women. I was gutted at the time – but looking back I am actually thankful that he was brave enough to ‘set his bird free’. It opened up so many opportunities for me. I was living with a flat mate who became a very good friend. Her and I are still friends. I also started to meet people and make friends. I started going out to bars and clubs and strangely enough I started losing weight. Man and I were still close and saw each other a fair bit... then one day I realised I didn’t have a hangover... I had morning sickness...

I became a mum. Finally I had an excuse to be fat. Having a child opened up some friendship opportunities for me and I met 3 of my closest friends at my young mums group. At this point in my life I was fairly happy but still gaining weight slowly – without realising.

The last time I had a good crack at changing things was when I was working and going to the gym in the morning. That was back in 2004. Although I didn’t have a hobby or anything I did have my friends from mums group and I love working.

Throughout all of this I did start diets as I have mentioned in earlier posts. Looking back it seems I knew I needed to do something but I just didn’t have the staying power to follow it through. I think realistically I just wasn’t in the right head space. As I am writing all of this I am wondering if I am making excuses for myself? Am I? I honestly don’t know? I just have this strong desire to analyse the past and wonder what went wrong. Why didn’t I do anything?

Maybe I need to put this in a positive manner and question why am I finally doing something? I really think it has to do with my feeling of happiness and being complete. Of course I was happy when I was younger but so many important aspects of life were missing. I feel like I am older and settled, I am studying and I have a hobby. I am no longer defined as just a mum. I have some new friends from playgroup and some older friends from my young mums group. Is it now that my life is complete that I am now work on the 1 part that maybe isn’t complete? It seems that I need to be intellectually stimulated in order to want to get fit? I really think that buying my camera and starting Open Uni has set this ball into motion....

Gee life is such a journey!

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