Monday, May 31, 2010

Let the light shine in!

It’s been a very uneventful day today. I have coped fairly well and managed to go for a good walk – so right now my pedometer is sitting at 11, 181! Its the 1st time i’ve gone over 10,000 steps in about a week.

Man finally got around to hanging up some sheer curtains on our front window. For a long time venetian blinds but about 2 years ago we got roller-shutters installed on all of our windows. We realised that the venetian blinds were not really needed any more so we took them down (plus they were starting to look very ugly. Without the blinds we had no privacy so we couldn’t open the roller-shutters up all the way. I feel like I have been living in darkness for too long! It was so nice to be able to open the roller shutter all the way and have the nice winter sun come streaming through the front window. I am sure the darkness was sending me mad.... oh and I also found a nice new spot to put the clothes horse so the nappies can sun and dry in winter.

I am freaking out about my weigh in on Wednesday. I have probably weighed myself several times already today. This morning I was at 132.8 and now I see 144.7 (which is last week’s weight). I am starting to think that I will be lucky if I lose .5 of a kg.

I had yoghurt again today! I don’t know why I did it, silly thing is I didn’t even try to talk myself out of it. I have 3 more shop bought diet yoghurts in the fridge. Maybe I just need to feel them to the kids tonight instead of the home made yoghurt – so that by tomorrow they are gone. I also haven’t had enough protein today, which explains what I am so ‘starving ‘ right now. Dinner is cooking and should be ready very soon. I am making roast chicken and I have decided to only have chicken with nothing else because of the high percentage of Carbs I have already had today.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Party Time

Well I am totally ‘out’, I published the link to my blog on Facebook! I finally feel like I am not lying to myself anymore. I am Out of the fat closet. While I am not lying to myself anymore I am still actually coming to terms with my physical appearance.

I went out last night to a 30th Birthday at a friends house. Its been a long time since I’ve been out for an all nighter! In fact I think its been 4-5 years! I had a few drinks and had a really great time. I forced myself to go. Usually I don’t go to these type of things because I am a bit embarrassed. I really wasn’t going to go but I decided that I can’t keep acting like Fat Girl and hide myself away. I wanted to go beyond my comfort zone.

I feel like I am too big to get totally drunk and let go of myself, I have to stay decent. I also don’t dance, no one wants to see my body dancing!

I recall an ad on TV a couple of years ago about an overweight woman at a Wedding. She was just sitting at the table watching everyone dance and missing out on the fun. That was me last night, but I decided that at least I was there instead of hiding home.

I did have a scary moment when I saw some photos that were taken of me and I was able to delete them before they were down loaded from the camera.

I am still trying to get my head around the difference in the body I see in photos compared to the body I see in the mirror and the body I feel and look down on.

I sit here looking down at my body and I can see I have a big tummy but I can’t see how wide I am. I honestly cant see much of a change in terms of width . I almost feel that for me to get a true understanding of what I look like I need a 3d model of my self. Maybe I can get the wax museum to help me!

People often talk about Body Dysmorphic Disorder in reference to anorexia. I find myself wondering if there is a bit of BDD in all of us or if it is something that does affect the obese only instead of the mirror showing a bigger version we see a smaller version.

But, as I have talked about before - even when I was a size 10 I didn’t like what I saw in photographs. I feel it is important for me to be comfortable with what I look like in photos and to not have that reaction of “Oh MY GOD! Am I really that big?”

I have heard of some sort of mirror test that they put people with BDD through. I think the mirror is adjustable and can make the person look fatter or smaller and the person it then asked to set it until they think they have the right reflection. I find this fascinating and it is something I would like to experiment with on myself.

I did okay with eating food at the party - but most of that wasn’t my will power, it was to do with the fact that I don’t like to eat in front of people. I ate some lamb and salad, a couple of home made appetisers, a few handfulls of corn chips, and 2 home made mini custard tarts. I really wanted to eat much more than that!

Study period 2 of Open Universities starts tomorrow. I am really looking forward to my 2 new subjects, Critical Thinking and Introduction to Visual Culture. I managed to submit my final photography assignment and I am still waiting for the results. Fingers crossed I get more than 18/30 so that I get a HD for the whole unit.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Yoghurt Issues!

I've been thinking for the last couple of days that something isn't right. I've had problems with resisting the urge to eat today and last night. Last night I had a couple tubs of no fat yoghurt and today I ate some left over baked potato.

Anyway I finally just realised what the problem is. It is the introduction of the No Fat yoghurt. I just had a quick read of the Tony Ferguson guide and dairy products are on the 'foods to avoid' list. I thought I was doing the right thing by buying these No Fat yoghurt and Diet desserts but it seems that even these things can send me into a carb frenzy.

I have always been suspect of the artificial sweeteners. The other day when I had that Coke Zero and some diet yoghurt I really felt ill. I suspect that my body reacts the same way to the sweet taste, with or without the sugar. I've had my last yoghurt today and hopefully things will return to normal again soon. Actually, let me re-phrase that – things will return to the new me soon!

I am thinking that the key to good health is real, natural food. I just seems wrong to eat something that has 0 on all the boxes. It has no value so why should I eat it? This is the mind set I need. I was only eating the yoghurt because it tasted nice. It has no real nutritional value to me, except for maybe some calcium and I do have to wonder how much of these type products are toxins.

From now on – if I work hard and continue to lose weight I will allow myself the occasional treat. I do not need a daily 'chemical sweet treat'.

Yoghurt is such an interesting thing. I've always been irritated at how expensive it is and with 4 you children you can only imagine how much I spend on yoghurt for the boys and Man. This week I purchased a Yoghurt Maker from Aldi. I am sick of paying $6.00 for Dora Yoghurt – filling my kids with sugar! I bought some full cream UHT milk and some full cream powdered milk as well as a natural yoghurt with no extras in it – just real yoghurt.

I've made 2 batches now all with no added sugar. I simply used the real yoghurt as a starter and added some milk powder to the UHT milk to make the yoghurt thicker. I then added some vanilla essence. The kids love it. I stewed some apples and I have mixed them through the yoghurt and put a mix of cinnamon, all spice and nutmeg on top. Of course I had to have a taste – and it was just like apple pie (well almost).

I guess this blog doesn't have to be totally about weight related issues does it? My decision to make home made yoghurt was about more than the sugar content. I am sick of the packaging. I am trying to live in a way that creates a lower impact on the world than most other families. I am also trying to save money. It seems that environmentally friendly things are money savers.

Here is a list of my earth achievements:
using earth friendly cleaners around the house. I use both Earth Choice and Method. I find that some of these products are cheaper and some are more expensive – but last much longer. I also use Enjo products.

I use cloth nappies and have done for over 18 months. About half of my cloth nappy stash is actually 2nd hand, which is even more of a money/earth saver.

80% of my children's clothing are 2nd hand. And when we have finished I either sell most of the clothing and give away the rest to charity. In fact I always try to buy things used. If we are planning on buying something we always check e-Bay first.

We are very good at recycling and have a compost bin

We set our ducted heating to more more than 15 degrees and in summer the Air Conditioning never goes below 24 degrees.

We well below the 155 litres per day/per person suggestion with our water usage

I walk to most places and only use my car about 2 times a week. I have a big family car and we only put $20 of petrol in it a week!

I make all of the food for my Boys school lunches. We don't use things like cling wrap at all – in fact there is nothing disposable in their lunch boxes (except for things like banana peels). I refuse to buy things that are over packaged (for example Rolled Oats in single serves)

We still have a long way to go. There are a number of projects I have in mind
I want to get a bread maker. It will save us money and it will reduce our house hold waste.

We are yet to establish a veggie patch! We have a space for one but haven't done anything yet.

I want to get about 2-3 chickens so we can get our own eggs.

I took some photos of the yoghurt I made today. I think I will start adding more photos to the blog as I go.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

My Food Diary

I have decided that this blog is usless without a diary of my food. I've been keeping a food diary for over 2 weeks now. It shows exactly what I ate and its breakdown as well as exercise and steps walked. There is a link to the left of my page... but I'll also post it here:

Oh I love Playgroup!

Last night I forgot to share an important bit of information.

When I got home from my weigh in, I raced to the computer - took my Tony Ferguson weight card out of my purse and entered my weight. I then left my card on the computer desk.

Not long afterwards, Man sat down to do some quotes and he accidently saw my card and my weight. I burst into tears. I really didn't want him to know that 2 weeks ago I was 150kgs. I had a big cry and he gave me a big cuddle and said he is so proud of me and my attitude, and all that other soppy stuff. Awwww!

I do feel somewhat happier know that he knows. This morning I was lighter again and I was about to call out to him and tell him my whole number. I think this all comes back to acknowledging my weight and moving on. If I am in so much denial about it that I don't want to tell Man - then what hope have I got? Really?

It is also this reasoning that I have decided to share a public blog with some 'friends'. They aren't real life friends but they are a collection of women who are crazy about prams - like me! Yes, you read that right - prams! I am still not ready to share my journey with real life friends or family - but I think this is a good step in the right direction.

Now about those prams...

I use prams to hide behind. They are my security. I feel that an expensive pram covers me and makes me look more acceptable in public, that maybe people won’t notice my size, rather they will notice my pram. The crazy thing is that the normal person on the street isn't interested in prams - so they probably are noticing me. I can't walk without my pram. I feel all weird, like I don't know what to do with my hands. When we are out in public Man knows that I am the one that pushes the pram - not him.

I guess now you are wondering why I love playgroup? I love playgroup because after playgroup Ben and Luke Sleep for 2-3 hours. Usually I would have a nap with them but I am trying very hard to give up day sleeps. Day sleeping affects my ability to keep my house clean or even have time out. I always feel better if I don't sleep because I've had a break from the kids.

I’m doing well food wise today. On the way home from Playgroup I got the boys a MacDonald’s Happy Meal. I had 1 chip from Ben and all I could taste was OIL! It was not nice to eat and I think I am at that point where I can finally taste oil in food.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Sick...

Yesterday I was feeling super tired and late last night I noticed my nose was runny.... well this morning I woke up feeling like total crap. My nose is blocked, my throat is sore and I have a headache. I think I have a virus from the babies but I do know that in the past I always seem to get a cold when I start a diet. I think it is the toxins leaving my body.

It seems that Fat Girl can now control my body without talking to me. I made #3 a Vegemite sandwich for lunch and he hardly touched it. Before I knew what I was doing I had eaten 1.4 of the sandwitch (after it has sat on the table for 1 hour!). It all happened so fast - I guess it was a force of habit. When I think about It I realise that I think I do finish the boys lunches when I am cleaning up after lunch.

I finally got my grade for my last photography assignment. I got a 9/10! I'm very happy I am currently sitting on 62/100 (total grade) but have a final assignment to submit that is worth 30% of the final grade. So best case scenario is i get 30/30 for it and then I get 92/100 (total grade) which is a High Distinction. MInumin for a HD is 80/100 - which means if I only get 18/30 I will still get a HD! As you can see I set high goals for myself. I don't want to just pass Uni - I want to get HD's for everything and get above average marks!

I guess I should think about weight loss goals. CK is making goals for me - the 1st one is to lose 5kgs. For me the goals that stick out to me are:
135kgs - I was this weight back in 2005 before going on a diet. At that point in my life 135kgs was the heaviest I had ever been.

124kgs - Is my next goal. In 2005 I lost 11kgs and thought I would keep it off. Truth is I actually did for a long time - I recall being 124kgs when I was 12 weeks pregnant with #4. I was about a size 22 at 124kgs.

96kgs - This stands out because this is what I weighed when #2 was about 6 months old (back in 2002). I had lost some weight and it was the 1st time I had been under 100kgs in a couple of years. I was about a size 18 at 96kgs and could fit in size 18 from the NORMAL section.

80kgs - Is my next goal. This is the weight I was when I started a Diary I have referred to a couple of times. I am about a size 14/16.

I think along the way I will have mini goals set by CK but those 4 weights (goals) are the ones that stick out in my mind. In reality I think I am going to be happy to be 80 - 96 kgs. I try not to think about my end goal too much (what is it 68kgs or somthing?).

I am worried about floopy skin. In fact it is one of the excuses Fat Girl reminds me. She has told me many a time that its better to be over weight than have empty floppy skin. I have to be honest and say that a part of me thinks this is true, I guess this is why I can't see myself getting to 68kgs - I just think there will be too much skin.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Rainy Cloudy Day!

Well today isn't that great.

I am doing well food wise but my step count is only at 1400ish!!!! I've been stuck on the couch cuddling #4 and to be honest I don't mind! I've managed to catch up on a lot of TV that I had recorded.

I am feeling tired and un-motivated to do anything and I am wondering if its because I am tired or if its because its such a grey, dark day outside.

I've always felt that I have been affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I just feel so tired and my brain is foggy and cloudy. Today my house has become messy because #3 has basically been running around making a mess, taking full advantage of me being stuck on the couch!

I am resisting the urge to have some toast with strawberry jam!

I am starting to look forward to weigh in day on Wednesday, but I am also worried that maybe I haven't done so well this week and that my dinner out may have had a bigger affect than I realise.

I am also fighting the urge to have a nap. #4 has just gone down for a nap and right now my bed and warm doona is calling me!

Monday, May 24, 2010

What Motivates Me?

I am following the CK Uni classes properly and in week do there is a section about what motivates me. It says "Take a few minutes to think about what is really important to you in each of these areas." So I thought this would make an excellent blog entry.

So - What Motivates Me?
Health -
Health is a motivating factor for me. At the moment I am healthy. My blood pressure is within normal range, in fact when Drs. take my blood pressure they are often surprised to find that its 120/70 and always re-do it. I don't have diabetes and my cholesterol is within the normal range also. Fat Girl has always used this information against me, claiming that I am just fat and healthy so there is no need to go on a diet. The simple truth is that I am a ticking time bomb. I guess at any given time my numbers can change.

I do know that being over-weight I am at a higher risk for cancers. I recently had a breast cancer scare (and still need to get it looked at again soon) and this process showed me that my body size can actually prevent the diagnosis of such diseases correctly. When I was pregnant it was difficult for the Drs to do ultrasounds to establish the health of my baby because of my weight.

I guess it also isn’t all about the major stuff. It’s the little things I am suffering from – like fungal skin infections under my breasts, the pressure on my joints etc.

I am sick of being ugly. I do have a beautiful face, but my face looks all squashed. Man is a good looking man and I feel sad for him when we are together. I feel like he deserves to look at a better looking woman. I know this sounds bad, but people also seem to think that fat people are stupid and dirty. I don’t want people to make judgments based on my current looks! I want to be able to walk into Rebel Sport and buy a nice Nike Hoodie. I want to be able to wear nice jeans.

I want to lose weight so I can have increased energy – I am sick of feeling tired all of the time. I want to have more fun with my 4 boys. I hate feeling tired after a photo shoot. I want to participate in things like the Mothers Day Classic walks and even go for family bike rides.

My photography is affected by my weight because I find it hard following kids around during photo shoots. I find it hard to bend down and get into interesting camera angle positions. I am also studying at the moment and looking into becoming a Midwife. There are physical requirements for this and I must be fit and healthy to be a good midwife.

So basically they are my current motivating factors. I guess I should review them often.

Anyway – back to daily business.
I realised today that maybe my free ticket on Friday night wasn’t worth it. I found that it seemed to give Fat Girl a louder voice. I really struggled on Saturday and Sunday with constant voices – more than usual. I think because I had such a bid hit of Carbs – I just wanted more. It seems that occasionally eating a huge amount of carbs does put me at risk of a carb binge.

This morning I took #1 to his footy game and had #3 with me and Man took #2 to his footy game and had #4 with him. #3 is only 2.5 and gets easily bored so I happily bought him some lollies and a packet of chips. I resisted them – but I did give in the Fat Girl’s Suggestion of 4 Dim Sims. I ate them and they did taste great and as soon as I finished I used my mobile phone to log into CK and add them to my diary. They were much higher in Carbs than I imagined and I was pretty shocked.

Saturday night was a hard night because #4 was unwell and woke up a number of times over the night. I think in total I had about 3 hours sleep. When we all arrived home from footy I had a nap. The only problem is that no one woke me! I slept for 5 hours! I guess I must have needed the sleep and in a way I was happy because I missed Lunch so my 4 Dim Sims didn’t make such an impact. I had some low fat ham when I woke up and took the boys for a walk to give Man some quite time to watch the footy.

Anyway – I am still undecided about the rules I made up about when I can have a free pass. Honestly It took so much strength to get through Saturday without binging and today I caved and had the dim sims. Was the enjoyment of the pasta really worth the mental anguish, fat carbs and calories? I am starting to think it wasn’t worth it.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Last night was great!

Well it was so great to catch up with my girlfriends! We had dinner and when the resturant started to turn off the lights we had to go to a bar down the road to continue our conversation!

I ordered a DELICIOUS pasta! It was a a creamy pasta with prawns. I really enjoyed it. Obviously there isn't anything in the CK food lists but I have used subsitutes just to get an idea of how out of my range my Carbs, cals and fat was! I made the decision not to blow out completely by drinking Coke or any other softdrink. I actually gave up caffine earlier in the year so I knew that if I even had a Diet Coke it would keep me up too late anyway - so I was happy with water. I did have a Hot Chocolate after dinner and I just realised I need to add that to my food diary.

We ended up chatting until close to midnight! Man kindly let me sleep in the morning and took care of all the boys for me. Its just after 11am and I've had my 'breakfast'. I did wake up starving and I guess that is because I over ate last night. Since its so close to lunch time I decided to have a shake and 100g of low fat ham - and this means I will skip morning tea.

I also realised just how much food like pasta can give people wind!!! All I can say is at the end of the night I was thankfull to be in the privacy of my own car for the drive home!!!:$

This weekend is going to be a challenge. 2 of the boys have footy tomorrow - early in the morning. I usually end up getting a hot chocolate and a pie or hot dog to watch the game with. I am going to have to put my thinking cap on to work out how to avoid this. I wonder If I can take one of my Tony Ferguson Soups in a flask or maybe I could go for a walk to Coles and check out their hot chocolate drinks. Surley there must be some sort of diet one I can take in the flask.

Man is at footy today. He is the assistant coach and is away for a couple of hours. Today he took #2 boy with him and left me at home with #1, #3 & #4 boy. #1 Boy has a birthday party to go to soon.

During the week I use brown bread for the kids lunches, but on the weekend we get the white bread. White bread is a huge temptation of mine...

Fat girl is still wispering crazy ideas into my ear. Last night she tried to convince me that it would be a good idea to get a McDonalds sunday on the way home! And today I am expecting her to try to talk me in to the white bread. Thankfully Skinny girl is strong at the moment....


So it seems that I can only add 1 blog a day.

I have resisted all of the crazy suggestions in my ear from Fat Girl! She has tried to tempt me even with Coles Chocolate Cookies!

I thought I might introduce you to Fat Girl and Skinny Girl.

Meet Fat Girl - She isn't a happy person at all. She has wild food suggestions and tries to sobbatage every good thing that Skinny Girl tells me to do. Fat Girl is afraid of life, it's like she wants me to be like her. I am pretty sure I can blame most of my phobias on her - like flying.

Skinny Girl on the other hand misses life. She has whats best for me in her heart. She remembers a time when I loved to go to the beach and be active - and even play sport.

Im not really sure when Fat Girl started getting her own way. I know that I started to gain weight after my 18th birthday. I don't think she even caused my weight gain. I am pretty sure it was related to having PCOS and coming off the Pill and moving in with Man. He was a young, strapping 22 year old who played footy on the weekends and trained 3 times a week. We ate together. His family home also contained many foods that were not in my family home. There was a never ending supply of Arnotts Cream Assorted biscuits in the cupboard and unlimited softdrink in the fridge. They only ever ate white bread and cooked things like snitzel and chips weekly.

I find it interesting that my body image over the years hasn't really changed too much. When I look at a photograph I am horrified that I look much bigger than I think I am. This is exactly how I felt when I looked at photos of myself when I was 18 - only difference is then I was a size 10, now I am a size 26.

Right now I am looking of a photograph taken of Man and I at the zoo. I must be about 19 in the photo and I am wearing a size 10 dress that was getting too tight for me so I wore a jumper over it. I remember seeing this photo and feeling sick at what I looked like. Now as I look at the photo I wish I could look like that again. I want to reach through the photo and slap myself!

It seems to me that losing weight is easy - its the voices and constant decisions to listen to Skinny Girl that is going to be hard. I am now realising that this isn't really a physical journey - even thought the results will be physical. This is a mental journey!

I have invested money on my diet plan (Tony Ferguson Membership) and I will be investing money into a gym member ship... but I am wondering since this is such a mental journery - should I need to be investing money into some help on that aspect also?

I seems that the bigger I get the louder Fat Girls voices have become, and the more decisions she makes in my life. I guess she thinks she has won because right now I am that Fat girl.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I can't stop thinking about tonight!

I am going out to dinner tonight with a couple of good friends. I am excited. I hate to admit it but I think I am more excited about the food than I am about going out!

I've given myself a 'free pass' to eat anything from the menu, rather than eat only a chicken salad or something. The only problem is that all day yesterday and today I am day dreaming about what I am going to order! I am thinking a nice carb loaded pasta would be great - and then I think a huge steak with a garden salad.

Now I am wondering was it such a good idea to let myself have this free pass. Man thinks it isn't. He thinks that I am on a diet so I should order something like a salad with no dressing and some grilled fish. He is probably right but for some reason I feel that a diet should be a part of my life. I simply don't want to life the rest of my life missing out on all the good food! Is this the fat girl talking I wonder? I really think that if this diet is my new lifestyle then I should be able to have the occasional over indulge.

Realistically - I get to go out to dinner with friends probably every 3-4 months or so. So Its not like its a weekly thing. I think I just need to set frim rules when I am allowed to go outside of my lifestyle!

I wonder what they could be?
- Dinner with friends - Yes
- My birthday - Yes
- Christmas and Easter - Yes

So thats probably 6 times a year when I can eat anything. Now I have to wonder about Man's birthday and all of the Boys birthdays. Thats at least 5 more times a year.

So is 12 days a year too much... I think it could be - I mean that could almost be once a month!

I wonder why I have to have rules anyway? I guess I just want to do this right. I just want to succed and I am analysing what has gone wrong in the past and trying to mix things up a bit. I am afraid that if I do allow myself these 12 days off during the year that they will become high risk days for falling off the wagon.

I think maybe I need to access each free day as it comes. Lets see how I handle myself tonight at dinner. The fat girl has already wispered in my ear that I should take advantage of it and have some chocolate mud cake but the skinny girl thinks that is just being greedy.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Im not Ms. Grumpy

I've noticed that I am waking up in better moods lately. I've never been a morning person but lately I am at least waking up happish!

I've had a great day today food wise. My motivation is because I am going out for dinner tomorrow night with friends and I am going to allow myself to eat anything on the menu (I said anything not everything!)

My step count is only about 7500, so I didn't quite make the 10,000 steps but I guess 7,500 is still pretty good. I took the boys for a walk to the playground. I walked faster than ususal and while they were playing on the equipment I walked laps of the area so I could still exercise. Ususally I would just sit on a park bench and watch. I did take 5 minutes to take a photograph of a tree! It is for a weekly competition I enter.

I am so happy and so motivated but there is a voice in my head telling me that I will eventually fall off the wagon (like the times before). I am scared of this. I really don't want it to happen and every day I am trying to think of ways to keep me motivated. I've decided to join my local Curves Gym but I want to wait for a while. Maybe its the thing to start to re-motivate myself.

My feet hurt - especially under my heal. I feel like I need a foot massage!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

2kgs Gone!

Today was the big 1st weigh in. Most people lose a fair bit in the 1st week or 'pull big numbers' as they say in Biggest Loser but for me I only lost 2kgs. I guess its not too bad considering I had KFC and a souvlaki this week!

So far this week I have managed to fight back all temtation and ingore that voice in my head - until today - I ate 6 Monte Carlo Biscuts. I tried stopping at 3 and that didn't work but I did stop at 6. The old me wouldn't have stopped I guess.

I've made my weight loss a public status on Face book. I am hoping that somehow my friends and family can keep me motivated.

I am addicted to counting steps! Today I did 12057 steps - and I still have to walk to my bed. The Pedometer is also saying that I walked at an aerobic pace for 19 minutes and that I burnt 548 cals.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

And here comes the band...

.... or should I say headache?

I knew one would pop up eventually, in fact I am quite surprised it hasnt' paied a visit earlier. Its not too bad though... and I am going to bed very soon. I am exhaused. Don't get me wrong- this exhaustion is a good thing. I have been having sleeping issues for the last 6 months or so and finding my self still awake at 2am in the morning. I feel so tired right now that I am looking forward to getting into my bed!

I thought today I would review the past attemtps I have made to lose weight.

My first attempt was way back in 1998 - when I was a slim 80kgs. I joined Lite N Easy. It worked well for probably six weeks and then for some reason I stopped. To be honest I have no idea why I stopped. I have a food diary I was keeping that is hand written. It was actuall Oprah's and her taininers diary and came as a set with a book. I almost cry when I read the diary. I was ONLY 80kgs and the way I was talking was as thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to lose 20kgs and that just seemed impossible.

I think not long after this I started low carbing, but that was back in the early days of low carbing and you can imagine the comments I would get from people - any wonder I gave up!

Then in about 2002 after having 2 babies I started Slim Fast. Again it worked well and I got down to about 92kgs. I had been 106kgs and even 124 kgs on the last day of my 1st pregnancy. So as you can imagine I was thrilled about being 92 kgs, but kicking myself for gaining weight after 80kgs.

A couple of years go by and its now 2005 and I am back in the work force. I joined Sure Slim. It worked great and for about 8 weeks I was even going to the gym every morning before work. I started at 134kgs and got down to 124 kgs. The company I was working for closed down and I was made redundant. I no longer worked in the city so I had to give up my fab city gym and of course again I fell off the wagon.

I haven't tried any thing since. In 2006 we started TTC baby #3 and it was taking its time. I was finally diagnosed with PCOS and insulan resistance.

I seemed to maintain the weight I lost and hovered around 124 kgs for a long time. I hade Baby #3 in 2007 and Baby#4 in 2009 and I was still under 134 kgs.

Baby #4 is now 14 months old and suddenly nothing fits. I knew that for the 1st time in a few years that I had gained weight. I had now idea that I was now 150.3kgs. I seem to have gained 24 kgs in the last 12 months.

I am now doing the Tony Ferguson Diet. I wanted something that is easy and I am basically told what to do. I wanted something that was low GI and high in protein. I know many people are against shake diets but I think it will work for me. I am pretty sure its the right balance for me because I am feeling pretty good (except for the headache).

Based on the past it seems that week 6 really is my danger week. I guess now my goal is to make it to 6 weeks and beyond and I need to think of some strategies that will get me though week 6. In the past it seems I just give up. Maybe I can give myself a week off in week 6 as long as I start again? I wonder why all of those other times I just didn't re start?

Anyway its now 9:30 and I really want to go to bed....

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Into the Swing of Things

Well last night didn't really go as planned. I had an argument with Man and I was very emotional. The result was me getting into the car to go for a drive. I ended up at the drive through of KFC with a Works Burger, crispy strips, chips and a pepsi max. I've got to admit the buger and strips were great! But when it came time to eat the chips I suddenly felt that I didn't need them. I also took a few sips of the drink and decided that although it was no sugar that I really didn't want the caffine. I ended up throwing out the drink and chips. A rather proud moment for me...

Interestingly the affect of my choice wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure its not an ideal way to start a diet but the simple fact that I didn't eat the chips really means a lot to me.

Today I have felt really good. I should mention that I am on the Tony Furguson Plan. Since my BMI is over 50 I get extra protein. I noticed this afternoon that my tummy was small and less preggo looking. Obviously I am less bloated. Surprisingly I didn't feel the need to eat today - I felt satisfied.

I did catch up with a friend for coffee and resisted her beautiful home cooked cake but allowed myself to have a coffee with 2 sugars.

Maybe I should tell you a little about me and my world.

Im a mum. I have 4 boys, 1 man and 1 cat. I am a stay at home mum and I study on-line. I am a hobbyist photographer and I am planning on taking some self portraits soon. I don't really want to see myself in a photo but I believe it is needed for me to actually acknowledge what I look like. My photography is affected by my weight. I find it hard to bend down and generally getting into unsusual postions as a photographer does is hard work. I often have clients and do photoshoots of children and I find that I am just not fit enought to be chasing a 2 year old around to take their photos.

Man and I have been together for almost 14 years, which is a long time for someone who is only 33 years old! I was a size 10 when I met Man and I guess just the comfort of our relationship and having babies has taken its toll. Man introduced me to softdrink as when we met he was already addicted to Coke. It didn't take long for me to become addicted to Coke too. Last year we switched from normal Coke to Coke Zero and this year we both gave up Coke totally.

I think the reason I feel so good today is because I have already given up Coke. I think if I was going throug caffine withdrawals as well as starting a diet - things would be much harder.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Today is the day...

... that I have finally started my diet!

This is the day that I always promise myself and I always expect it to happen on a Monday. I am sure most of us know the inner voice I am talking about - that crazy person who is looking forward to starting a diet on Monday - only Monday rolls over and the said diet is not started.

I am still in shock that I am so big. I mean I thought only stupid people let them selvels get to 150kgs, hang on - don't forget the .3 making me a grand total prize of 150.3 kgs.

I knew that I had gained weight recently. Everything just feels different. I can feel my face move when I walk and I feel like my boobs come up to my chin. I have recently realilsed that I can't sit like a lady anymore - with my legs together. I have to seperate them.

I was at playgroup today and sat on a chair and I could slowly feel it sinking. I managed to quickly jump up before I actually broke it and no one seemed to notice.

My Husband wants to know my weight and I can't and wont tell him. He very excited that I have joined Tony Ferguson and seems very supportive. He is such an attractive man and I feel so sad that I am not as good looking as him. People must see us together and wonder why he is with me.

I've been overweight since my early 20's. And I am now in my early 30's. Its sad to think that I have spent 1/3 of my life overweight.
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