Sunday, May 30, 2010

Party Time

Well I am totally ‘out’, I published the link to my blog on Facebook! I finally feel like I am not lying to myself anymore. I am Out of the fat closet. While I am not lying to myself anymore I am still actually coming to terms with my physical appearance.

I went out last night to a 30th Birthday at a friends house. Its been a long time since I’ve been out for an all nighter! In fact I think its been 4-5 years! I had a few drinks and had a really great time. I forced myself to go. Usually I don’t go to these type of things because I am a bit embarrassed. I really wasn’t going to go but I decided that I can’t keep acting like Fat Girl and hide myself away. I wanted to go beyond my comfort zone.

I feel like I am too big to get totally drunk and let go of myself, I have to stay decent. I also don’t dance, no one wants to see my body dancing!

I recall an ad on TV a couple of years ago about an overweight woman at a Wedding. She was just sitting at the table watching everyone dance and missing out on the fun. That was me last night, but I decided that at least I was there instead of hiding home.

I did have a scary moment when I saw some photos that were taken of me and I was able to delete them before they were down loaded from the camera.

I am still trying to get my head around the difference in the body I see in photos compared to the body I see in the mirror and the body I feel and look down on.

I sit here looking down at my body and I can see I have a big tummy but I can’t see how wide I am. I honestly cant see much of a change in terms of width . I almost feel that for me to get a true understanding of what I look like I need a 3d model of my self. Maybe I can get the wax museum to help me!

People often talk about Body Dysmorphic Disorder in reference to anorexia. I find myself wondering if there is a bit of BDD in all of us or if it is something that does affect the obese only instead of the mirror showing a bigger version we see a smaller version.

But, as I have talked about before - even when I was a size 10 I didn’t like what I saw in photographs. I feel it is important for me to be comfortable with what I look like in photos and to not have that reaction of “Oh MY GOD! Am I really that big?”

I have heard of some sort of mirror test that they put people with BDD through. I think the mirror is adjustable and can make the person look fatter or smaller and the person it then asked to set it until they think they have the right reflection. I find this fascinating and it is something I would like to experiment with on myself.

I did okay with eating food at the party - but most of that wasn’t my will power, it was to do with the fact that I don’t like to eat in front of people. I ate some lamb and salad, a couple of home made appetisers, a few handfulls of corn chips, and 2 home made mini custard tarts. I really wanted to eat much more than that!

Study period 2 of Open Universities starts tomorrow. I am really looking forward to my 2 new subjects, Critical Thinking and Introduction to Visual Culture. I managed to submit my final photography assignment and I am still waiting for the results. Fingers crossed I get more than 18/30 so that I get a HD for the whole unit.

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