Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Forgetful Bulimic

Well I had weigh in yesterday and I am happy to report that I have lost another 2.5 kgs! That gives me a total loss of 9.3kgs. I am amazed. I really thought that I would slow down.

As I promised I have joined Curves gym. I am super excited! Tomorrow will be my 1st work out and I have scheduled it for 6:30am. I hate the mornings. I have never been a morning person, so I am going to have to a mental struggle tomorrow morning when my alarm goes off!

My eating has been pretty good. I have had a few moments of throwing food into my mouth without really thinking. Tonight I caught myself eating some left over chicken Kiev from #3’s plate and then when I served Man and all 4 boys their dessert – I found a spoonful in my mouth.

I had a very emotional day on Tuesday. My 2 babies were sick and I was lacking in sleep. They both spent the day on my lap. I was crying at the drop of a hat and giving Man a hard time. Yet again I am wondering if my period is about to show up any day. I almost gave up! Imagine me, giving up on the day before weigh – in!  I was refusing to cook dinner and told man to bring home Macca’s for dinner. He did – but only for him and the boys.  I was slightly annoyed but also happy at the same time. I did sneak a bite of a cheese burger... I wish I didn’t.

I ended up at Coles 1 hour later – still feeling very emotional and looking to cure myself with food. I browsed the Isles for what seemed like a lifetime - looking for something to medicate myself with.  I ended up with some cooked prawns, a chicken curry, an Atkins bar and a Nestle Diet chocolate mousse.   I did go over my calorie budget for the day but not by too much (see my diet diary for proof!).

It seems that I am still struggling with emotional eating and automatic eating. I can ignore Fat Girl when she talks to me – yet I think she is trying to outsmart me. I am sure I can blame her for the emotional and automatic eating. I just need to learn notice her non-verbal ques.  The automatic eating really does happen so fast, the food is in my mouth before I think about it. Maybe I need to promise myself that I will spit out the food if I ever catch myself doing that again.  Yes Fat Girl that is what I will do!  I WILL spit it out... hmmm is this how eating disorders start?  I have always joked that I am a forgetful bulimic, im good at binging but I always forget the purge.

My stress levels are pretty high at the moment. Both babies have been sick for 3 nights now and my house is a disaster zone. I haven’t had a walk since Monday as it’s been raining or the kids are too sick to leave the house. I wonder what the correlation between my lack of walks and being stuck indoors is to how stressed and overwhelmed I am feeling right now. I find that when I am overwhelmed I seem to give up. Boy#3 and Boy#4 have literally been fighting over my lap for the last 3 days and I have been unable to do any house work! This is a point when things can snowball out of control for me. The house feels so messy that I don’t know where to start so I just give in.

I’ve had a big chat with Man tonight. I have explained to him that I really need his help to catch up on the house work over the weekend so come Monday morning I can get up and go to the gym at 6:30am and come home to an organised and happy house.... only I just realised Monday is a public holiday!

I did manage to leave the house today when I went to pay my joining fee at Curves. I also got a little goodies bag for joining. I love these little sample bags! Afterwards I decided I needed some retail therapy and bought myself a polar fleece jumper to wear on the way to the gym and a pair of ¾ pants to wear at the gym .

Well... I think the only way I am going to manage to make it to Curves in the morning is if I get off this computer, lay out my 'training outfit' and go to bed!
Oh, I thought I should add that I am now in twitter!  I have a feeling tweeting my feelings may be helpful!  Look for fatgirlgetslim

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