Thursday, June 17, 2010

Maslow and the Hierarchy

I haven’t fallen off the wagon, but gee, I am hanging off it sideways with only one hand hanging on.

I didn’t lose weight this week... I actually gained 600 grams. I did lose 2cms from my waist and a lot would say that its the cm’s that count, but to be honest – I want to see kgs going down as well.

I have been trying to analyse what exactly went wrong. I didn’t get much time for walks and my step count for the week was pitiful. I am blaming this on my #3 who was sick and spent the entire week on my lap on the couch.

However, I also suspect that the forgetful bulimic had a bit of action. I think I probably had a spoon full or a bite of something naughty every day for the week. Most of it I didn’t record it in my food diary because I didn’t think it would have much of an impact . Now I realise it is possible those naughty little bites here an there did have more of an impact than I care to admit.

Today has no doubt been the worst day yet. I bought the 2 baby boys a McDonalds Happy Meal on the way home from playgroup. #4 fell asleep before he got to eat it. This resulted in an argument between Fat Girl and Skinny Girl. Fat Girl won. I ate a cheese burger and a small fries and I have been dealing with the disapproving remarks from Skinny Girl ever since. It seems that Skinny Girl does have a nasty side when she doesn’t get her own way, I am considering calling her Skinny Bitch from now on.

I bought a bread maker today... this has the potential of being a complete diet suicide mission. I just finished making the 1st loaf... and ended up eating about a 1 inch thick slice with marg.

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning too. On Tuesday and Wednesday I was up at 6:00 am, and at the Gym by 6:30 for my workout. Today Man had to meet a client at 7:00 am in Port Melbourne so there was no time for me to go this morning. I still woke up at 6:00 but re-set the alarm for 7:00, then re-set it again for 8:00. I got out of bed grumpy after having 2 hours of broken sleep and annoyed because now we had to rush to get the big boys ready for school.

All day I have been annoyed that Fat Girl has won this round. I am trying to analyse and work out why I can’t always say no. My stress levels are fairly high this week. Man is the only bread winner and is actually self employed, this can make for some interesting situations. We have gone for about 3 weeks without any pay cheques and things are starting to get a bit tight. The house is still pretty disorganised and messy. So maybe I can blame stress?

Maybe I can claim that food is just a natural desire? After all, it is the most basic requirement according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs ('s_hierarchy_of_needs). Why must I complicate reasons for eating and why must I always try to find answers? It’s a basic human need, so could the answer be as simple as that?

I somehow need to find the strength to get back on track tomorrow. I found myself doubting how I can cope with these feelings and constant Fat Girl arguments. It’s been easy for me this last month and my weight has just fallen off. I know this journey is going to take me at least 12 months and then a life time of being controlled. I found myself questioning if I have the strength to fight for the next 12 months. It’s been a hard week and I honestly can’t see how I can do this week after week.

I took the boys out for haircuts today. It amazes me just how much they all love haircuts! Even the big boys loved going to the hair dresser as babies, I’ve been lucky enough to not have the screaming toddler issues that most people associate with kids getting haircuts. Being a mum of 4 children draws a lot of attention, and this attention is doubled by the fact that I have all boys. I am getting so sick of the comments from strangers. In the beginning I didn’t mind and usually made jokes. I’d commonly tell people that I was planning on adopting 2 more children in several years. Truth is I have just about had enough of it. I am constantly asked how old they are, if I planned them, if I am having more and being told things like ‘gee you must be buys’. Of course I am bloody busy, but no more busy than other mothers.

People don’t realise that I do carry around some pain associated with being a daughterless mother. Sure, I love my boys and to be honest I hate that I even have to say that if I tell people I would have liked a daughter. Doesn’t it go without saying that you love your children and that you wouldn’t change anything? No one told me that I would never have a daughter. I have visualised her since I was about 12 years old. She is so cute with her strawberry blonde hair and freckles on her nose. Man and I were to call her Ella and I was to buy her 1st pram when she was pregnant. Man was supposed to give her away when she got married. I had planned on taking a photo of my nanna, my mother, me and Ella – 4 generations in one photograph, just like the one that was taken of me, mum, nanna and my great grandmother.

I had to have my tubes tied after #4 was born. I didn’t want to, but I had to. The Doctor told me it was for my own health reasons and that I was very lucky. I suddenly dawned on me this week that maybe he wasn’t talking about the condition of my uterus, that maybe he was anti-fat. Just maybe, he was worried about my health given the weight I was! I have been wondering has my weight cost me my daughter I will never have? I also know that diet, especially soft drink such as Coke a Cola can lead to a higher rate of boy births. Man and I didn’t give up caffeine when we were trying to make a baby girl (#3).

I hate thinking it (because it would mean I wouldn’t have my 4 sons) but I do wonder if my diet also contributed to us having boys. My boys are my world and I do proudly walk around in public with them. I know all 4 of them are going to have great lives and grow up to be wonderful men, but I will always have a sense of loss, like I am mourning the loss of the daughter Man and I never had. Man has the same feeling of loss. He very rarely mentions it because he knows I need him to be strong, but there are times when we feel it between us, usually when a friend has a baby girl or we see something on TV. He gives me a look and sometimes I feel like he is apologising to me, other times his looks is more like a sadness.

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