Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A Slippery Slope

Things aren’t going so well for me at the moment. In fact I have been avoiding this blog entry for a day or so. Writing comes so much easier for me when I am about to report positive news...

I’ve been falling down a slippery slope for several days. It has been happening slowly, but the further I fall, the more momentum I am gain and the more bad choices I am make. The end result was me today drinking ‘soft-drink’ (Deep Springs Lemon Mineral Water) straight from the bottle. A few gulps here and there as I walked past the fridge. I guess it’s at this point that I should confess to eating about 1 inch of raw cookie dough...

I think things started to go bad for me on Thursday. I had to put in too many hours to get Man’s business accounts up to date. He suddenly decided that he wanted to purchase a new company car before the end of the financial year (in 3 days time). I was up until after 4:00 am on Wednesday night doing accounts. I didn’t go to Curves on Thursday and only just made it to Playgroup with the boys.

My Uni studies have been suffering since I started going to the gym. I have lost my ability to study late into the night. I had a test on Friday (it was only worth 15% of the total grade). I was totally wiped out on Thursday night and didn’t study. I did manage to go to the Gym on Friday morning and I strategically took the little boys out to visit a friend in the morning so that they would have a good nap when I got home. That way I could do some last minute cramming before my test. The test was on line and I had until 5:00 PM to complete it.

The big boys were coming home at 2:00 PM and I managed to get a couple of hours study done. I felt good about taking the test and even completed the practice test and got 87% for it. Man called to tell me that he was stuck at a job and wouldn’t be home in time to take the boys out so I could do the test without distractions. I decided I was ready for the real test and waited for the big boys to come home so I could get them to play with the little boys. I got them to all watch TV in the big boys room, logged on and began the 30 minute test. Unfortunately about 5 minutes in, the little boys both started crying and complaining. I rushed through the rest of the test in only 10 minutes.... and the end result was only 46/100. I spent a couple of minutes crying at my computer desk. It wasn’t real crying, more of a shocked sadness, with tears but no sound. Meanwhile, the little boys continued to cry in the back bedroom...

I gave up. It was all too hard. I called man and told him to please bring home dinner. He bought home Macca’s for the boys and wraps from Nandos for us, the only problem was that he did buy himself some chips, and I am pretty sure I ate more chips then he did. I also failed at lunch on Friday. I came home from my friend’s house and put the babies to bed so I could study... only to realise I didn’t have anything for lunch. I ended up with a sandwich and a packet of popcorn.

Here I was on Friday, emotionally and mentally drained. I was stressed and sad... yet I was wearing size 22 jeans for the 1st time in about 4 years! How is it possible I could wear those jeans all day (and be happy about it) yet fall into such a state? I wonder if maybe I let my guard down a bit and this gave Fat Girl and opportunity to speak to me? Is it possible that I became “Diet Cocky”?

I made it to the Gym on Saturday morning and I had a wonderful photoshoot of a 2 day old baby, but I was tired and feeling foggy. My period arrived without warning on Saturday. I’ve seen so many people use their period as an excuse for gaining weight that week or eating badly and I thought I was better than that. It seems that I’m not, because I am wondering if maybe my approaching period had something to do with my tiredness, emotions and even with my inability to resist urges to eat. I have also been really foggy, and unable to focus.

I have been struggling with extremely heavy periods for about 9 months now. They have left me totally housebound and helpless for up to 10 days at a time. I had many tests done earlier in the year and nothing came back as abnormal. I find it frustrating having no answer. This time around it hasn’t been as bad but it did prevent me from going to the gym this morning. I am really hoping that I can get to the gym tomorrow... I am sure the gym plays an important role in my emotions during the day.

Although I haven’t had a huge blow out, like I haven’t eaten a whole bar of chocolate or something, I am still disappointed. Man has been really proud of my weight loss and has been updating his friends and family. I have no idea why, but he got over excited for me and told everyone I had lost 12kgs instead of 11 kgs. He doesn’t see the impact of this as he thinks it’s no big deal. It is to me because I feel almost like he thinks my 11kgs isn’t good enough. We are seeing his parents on the weekend and I don’t want to go now. They think I lost 12kgs and now I am thinking that as a result of the last few days that I won’t lose weight this week, so I will be at 11kgs lost, or even worse, what if I gain again? What am I going to tell them?

I still haven’t finished Man’s finance reports, I just can’t seem to find the motivation or energy for it. He isn’t too happy with me about it, but he hasn’t said anything. I think he now knows that when there is a packet of pads or tampons next to the toilet, that some things are best left unsaid.

I thought I would share some of my favourite photos from the photo shoot I did on Saturday. There is a very sad story... Little baby Piper’s birth was brought forward early by 2 weeks (via c-section) because her grandad was critically ill. He got to meet his new granddaughter via Skype the day she was born (on Thursday) and sadly he passed away a few hours later (in the early hours of Friday morning). Sadly this makes this time even more bittersweet for Piper’s mum Kristy who was also celebrating her birthday on Friday.

1 comment:

  1. Cherie Beautifull Photos you really have a gift in your Art .. and **hugs** and hang in there with your weight Loss Journey


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